Please note that the correspondence below was written by Jonathan, a feeling-being subscriber to Mailing List D, who is interested in the practice of Actualism and who met up with Richard, Vineeto and Peter from July 18 to August 3, 2013.
Jonathan Report on Mailing List D about his Meeting with Richard, Vineeto and Peter Prologue: VINEETO: I would like to check with you, if you still want your name on the website instead of Respondent No. 39 (as we had verbally agreed on the last day of your visit). If yes, can you please confirm this in writing so I can put it at the top of your correspondence page with Richard (for everyone to see that we only use people’s names with their permission). JONATHAN: That’s fine. I’d prefer if [you] use my full first name which is Jonathan. Jonathan to Vineeto 13.8.2013 Jul 23, 2013 Day One Posted By: Jonathan Day 1 --- writing from memory 5 days later. I got off the airport excited as hell. There was no tarmac and it was raining outside and a bit cold. The airport was tiny. As soon as I entered, I saw Richard. He was wearing beige slacks and a yellow t-shirt. I proclaimed his name in brash voice and he proclaimed mine in a soft one. I began to stick out my hand but he was already close enough to ignore the gesture and opened up his arms to hug me instead. Vineeto was there too. She does the driving for the pair. She hugged me too. Vineeto asked how my flight was and I said it was a bit unpleasant and I was in bad need of a shower. I mentioned that the person next to me was lucky that there was an empty seat between us as I smelled pretty bad. Neither of them thought that funny. Richard asked if I had a bag and what they should look out for. Soon after, Srid’s plane touched down. I had already met him in the Sydney airport. I already had my bags and he only brought carry-on luggage. From the little country airport, we went straight for coffee out in a veranda outside a mall. It was a pleasant enough conversation. Vineeto has a habit of looking at you square in the eyeballs. Sometimes she turns away and other times she doesn’t. This time, she asked me how I felt. I said that I felt anxious. She taught me then that within anxiety and fear there is a thrill component. She likes to say that in the bottom left-hand corner, there is excitement. She advises one to use it to get enjoyment out of the moment. (Message 14896) Jul 23, 2013 Day 2 Posted By: Jonathan I don’t remember much of day 2. Vineeto picked us up in her light colored Focus at 9 AM. Richard sat in the drivers seat. We drove to Cafe 29 and ordered breakfast. They paid for the bill. They smoked cigarettes and had multiple coffees. After which, we hopped in her car and she said casually. “Should we go to that place with the nice coffee and the river view?” Richard assented and minutes later we were on his house boat. I chided her for fooling us as I figured she meant that they were taking us to another cafe: She seemed to have forgotten that she even made the joke. We talked about topics of mutual interest like technology and politics and physics. Richard and Vineeto share unusual viewpoints on the latter two. Richard is very interested in technology. We also had dinner on the boat. They cooked for us chicken and roti with a couple of different spices on the side. I don’t remember any instruction. Srid tells me that they told us that one has to be 100% on board. There can’t be any back up plan or it won’t happen. In other words, if you are practicing actualism to be happier and more productive than that is all that will result be. But for an actual freedom to occur, one must want it completely. (Message 14898) Jul 23, 2013 Re: Day One Posted By: Jonathan RESPONDENT No. 32: Hey Jon.. thanks for this report.. especially for someone like me who is unable to make it there...about the thrill part being at the left hand corner - does she mean that it is literally there or jokingly ? Regards JONATHAN: It’s a joke. Convert your fear or anxiety into thrill. Thrill/excitement is a component of those two emotions and if you focus on that particular component than the broader, much nastier emotion will drop away. (Message 14899) Jul 23, 2013 Day 6 Posted By: Jonathan Yesterday was our 6th day. Peter picked us up in his ancient Daihatsu. We went to an arcade down the street. In Australia, an arcade is an avenue of shops. In the States, it’s a place for video games and other contests like pinball. Peter ordered some sliced turkey and ham and I picked up some apple juice. He had out a pocket size leather thing with zippers and buttons and I said to him. “That better not be your billfold.” He looked at me. “Yes. It’s a billfold.” I told him. “It’s on us.” “Oh. Okay then.” He said. Srid took over from there as I got the tab the last time we insisted on paying. From the arcade, we went to the houseboat where Vineeto and Richard were getting things ready for a picnic. We were going to a spot on the same creek where the last ambience milieu effect took place. That time is is referred to collectively as Bungawalbin which is the name of the so-called creek where the crew was moored back in 2010 when it all happened. I say so called creek because it is quite wide and can just as easily be called a river. However, there are so many waterways here that it makes sense to reserve the moniker ‘river’ for only the biggest ones. At that time, at Bungawalbin, 7 people had gathered in two separate house boats to enjoy each other’s company and support each other in their quest for actual freedom. As it so happens, Irene who was living apart from this actualists crowd having disavowed it some many months previous, died. Within 24 hours of here death, Peter became free. Five days later, Vineeto joined him. On the same day, a unique individual living in Southern India with unusual siddhi powers inadvertently either tapped in the ambiance milieu or tapped separately tapped into pure intent, having for many months been unsuccessfully trying to contact Richard psychically. Later on in the same month, two more became free. A 6th and a 7th claim freedom by their own reports. One of whom now renounces any claim but doesn’t elaborate. So Richard had in mind that we would picnic on the same creek where those magical events occurred. And with his left ear to the pristine ground and his right eyeball towards the perfect sky and his nose in front of the magnificent ingenious human achievement that is his laptop, checking the weather reports, he chose this day. There was barely a cloud in the sky. I can’t say it was the most productive day. For me, it felt like a regression. Day 5 was a masterpiece. And though I woke up in the middle of the night, groggy, shivering and with a sore throat, I decided to let myself enjoy this moment. And I did. And I enjoyed every moment of that morning. I walked up and down the main drag of this small country town twice. The moon was out and almost full. There was barely any emotion and I was supremely pleased with life and the universe. I was as much a flesh and blood body and as less an identity as I’ve ever been (save for 10 minutes in Berkeley CA two years ago). So much so that I suspected that I was actually free. I figured after freedom there must be lingering affect because I had no doubt that I had transitioned from one stage to another. However, through-out the day, that affect grew and it became increasingly clear that I was not yet free. This was, of course, disappointing. And it rather soured my mood. Which is not to say that I didn’t enjoy day 6 immensely. I most certainly did. Words are as relative as they are subject to misinterpretation. (On the latter point, I will soon post examples of Richard’s writings and break them down so the reader can read them as I now read them; the words of a supremely enchanted and affable man with no desire but to have a fun time helping others join him in the actual world.) It is interesting to note that without any prompting from myself, Peter brought us the fact that he woke up around 1:30 immediately aware of the palpable stillness surrounding this venture. That was the same time that I woke up, decided to let myself enjoy this moment and took a walk down main street. And that followed the events of day 5 in which I actually experienced a static energy around and through our gathering on Peters houseboat. On the picnic we ate crackers and rye with 4 types of cheeses, two meats and a package of salmon, beer, apple juice and coffee. Srid floated on a inflatable raft. Richard and Peter discussed common misconceptions of the scientific world. I posited objections. My instincts were right that Richards views are not essential to becoming free. In fact, Richard didn’t come to many of these views until after he became free and had the time and inclination to do his own independent research. In other words, I don’t object to Richard having strange views. In fact, I welcome them as it gives me something to ponder and research myself. But first thing is first and that is actual freedom. After the picnic, we went back to the houseboat for more coffee. There the trio summed up the process of becoming free. Become happy, remove obstacles in it’s way, actively appreciate being happy, let that morph into a naive marvelling at the world around one, turns into wide eyed wonder and then magically, actual freedom occurs. On the way back to the lodge, I brought up time. I wanted to say that there is no this moment. There is only space. Peter insisted that there is this moment and that it is the only moment one can experience being alive. I didn’t press him on it as I’m not into arguments especially ones that I can’t win. But I am experiencing life as an identity who moves in space aware of the things around me, my memories and future anticipations. And beyond that, I especially like the instruction to allow yourself to be enjoy this moment. Enjoy the things in this immediate space including this body and don’t let memories or speculations on the future take you away from your happiness or the active appreciation of that happiness. Memories are only memories. There is no Jon waking up from the bed. There is no Jon turning on the laptop. There is no Jon waiting to be picked up. Only this Jon exists in actuality. (Message 14902) Jul 24, 2013 Re: Day 6 Posted By: Jonathan RESPONDENT No. 25: Thanks for sharing, Jon. I am enjoying reading your updates. I am impressed with how you are focused in on becoming free and not allowing yourself to get caught up in the objections that inevitably arise. I remember feeling like... “if their world is right side up, then mine must be upside down.” Just another way to express the idea of 180 degrees opposite, I suppose, but it was delightful as I am getting the sense you are experiencing as well. It did take me several days until I was really ready to focus on what is required to become free. Keep the updates coming... Remembering what it was like to be there helps put me back in that ambience. For example, I often worry about the wretchedness of ‘me,’ but prompted by your portrayal of your experience and remembering mine while I was there, it occurs to me there is nothing to worry about as ‘I’ don’t exist in the first place! Best, JONATHAN: Hi No. 25, You do exist No. 25. Your emotions are ‘you’. What you may have meant to convey was that ‘you’ are an illusion. I ask. How can emotions be an illusion? (In the actual world, one has no feelings. One exist only as a physical body. There are no emotions to fuel an imagination that keeps one centered on an idea of ‘you’. And idea which transcends (if that’s the right word) the present to include the past and the future.) When you say that there is nothing to worry about you are correct. Saying that there is nothing to worry about because ‘you’ are only an illusion is to diagnose the problem incorrectly. That easily leads to detachment (my word of choice because it (i think) is the word of choice for the vipassana crowd and so openly challenges their position on their own grounds) and detachment can never lead to being completely here. Contemplate that. A word on contemplation. From Peters mouth to my eyes to this keyboard to a server or servers somewhere to your router to your computer to your monitor to your eyes: To contemplate doesn’t mean to intellectually analyze but to let marinate. So in practice, I gather that to mean that you think about it intellectually for a minute here or there and you let it drop naturally then you consider it again at another juncture and let it drop then as well. And over time an experiential understanding will manifest. To say that there is nothing to worry about is to say something wonderful indeed. Go down that path as a feeling being in order to get to happy and harmless. Then appreciate that you are happy and harmless. Move on to fascination. Happiness frees you from the good and bad feelings. Appreciating that you are happy keeps you happy. Fascination moves ‘you’ out of yourself and into the actual world. (Message 14906) Jul 24, 2013 Re: Day 6 Posted By: Jonathan RESPONDENT No. 32: Thanks Jon... inspiring , informative and very encouraging post ! Become happy, remove obstacles in it’s way, actively appreciate being happy, let that morph into a naive marveling at the world around one, turns into wide eyed wonder and then magically, actual freedom occurs. This is a particularly nice summary, thanks. The active appreciation part imho is very important. I guess, its not just appreciate being happy but being alive itself. Looking forward to hear more ! Regards JONATHAN: I’m glad it helps. You are happy to be alive. You are happy to experience happiness. You are happy that happiness is being experienced. You are happy that life is being experienced by you quite happily. It is good to note that none of this has to be here. The universe could just as well be empty space but for no other reason than pure magic, it is not. There is life here! You choose to experience that life in which ever way that makes the most sense to you. (Message14907) Jul 24, 2013 Day 7 Posted By: Jonathan A car hurried by a little to close for comfort. Thankfully, I have been following our hosts even when the destination was in sight for I was looking left to gauge the traffic when a car zoomed past me from behind. Had I simply crossed the road when I deemed it safe, I don’t think that car would have had time to stop or even veer. It’s a good thing I was tacitly letting Peter lead. The three of us ordered our coffees and Peter and I took a set on the veranda while Srid took up the task of paying. I have decided for myself that I will not be letting our host pay for any more meals. Though I have dropped a sizable fraction of my bankroll for the opportunity to be here, I don’t think it practical that either Peter, Vineeto or Richard go broke simply because I have been resisting the words that are right there on the AFT website. Taking our seat and exchanging a simple pleasantry or two with Peter, I turned around and was surprised to see Richard. I was kind of startled and he smiled and moved over to the side of the small round table to take his chair. I extended my hand and affably shook it. I was not expecting to see him without any notice because we had entered the veranda from the inside the café and he must have entered it straight from the street. It threw my timing off. I turned my head to see if there was indeed a street-side entrance and in doing so I saw Vineeto and called out my greeting to her. Richard wears autumn colors. His pants are khakis, his shirts are yellow and he wears a brownish greyish button down sweater. Yesterday he donned shorts for the picnic and they were sun-burnt orange green. He has yet to wear shoes, opting for sandals instead. Peter, on the hand, wears loafers and prefers the summer colors. He was wearing a blue vest on this day. Vineeto was adorned in purple and emerald. Her shoes were open-sole. Though who just want to practice Actualism superficially may as well start by emulating their choice of fashion. Once again, we got into the subject matter of public policy and history. I do suspect that those are their favorite subjects outside of actualism and the wonderment of life. Richard also enjoys talking about technology and theoretical physics but public policy and history does seem to be an especially fruitful subject because it gets to the matter of belief. And for me it cuts right into my ability to enjoy life. In fact, this trio is the first people I have ever met who don’t share my political bend. Of particular frustration, for me, have been the global warming skeptics. I see them as people who simply are too zealous to consider basic science even at the detriment of the entire human race. I have never come across one that wasn’t either uber-patriotic, evangelical or fundamentalist Christian or what I would call a fashionable supply sider. And typically they have been all three though what one ostensibly has with the other, I have no idea. However, Richard, Vineeto and Peter are none of the three. (From I know currently, they may, perhaps, prefer supply side economic principles but I doubt they are of the fashionable variety by which I mean ones which have only two arguments for it but can’t retort any counter arguments against it, or else, they confuse economic principles with national identity which isn’t uncommon even among PHDs.) Because they are none of the three and do have their facts either mostly in order or completely in order, it allows me to take a break from worrying about it. Previously, my only respite was considering that it was out of my hands. Now, I can just put aside. Maybe the planet is warming because of human activity and maybe it isn’t. Either way, it is out of my hands and first thing is first, actual freedom. After lunch, we went back to the boats and had coffee. The wind was something special. It sped up the tide and shook the trees. As a result, perhaps, because everyone was looking watching and listening to the wind, the conversation wasn’t particularly overflowing. But when it was flowing, I recall that it was about the drama over at the mailing list. Richard’s account of it all is that there are 3 main actors and 2 sub-actors, each with multiple avatars, which he calls sock puppets. I now have some inside knowledge of exactly what happened and who these people are. It is only Richard’s account but it seems far more plausible, especially from what i have seen of the trio over these 7 days, than that of his accusers. Previously, I was not interested in it for reasons I have already posted, twice now. But now, I find the whole thing quite amusing. I advise those interested in an actual freedom from the human condition to not think twice about it and simply read the words on the web site. And by ‘simply’ i mean to refrain from projecting intent. From what I have gathered these past 7 days is that Richard’s intent is utterly pure. I would say the same for Vineeto and Peter though Richard says that there is a difference between Peter and Vineeto. There is a good chance that we will be meeting one other actually free person later this week. Comparing her to Peter and them both to Vineeto and Richard will be interesting. Before going, I want to clarify that today’s lunch was spent talking about history and the role that religion plays even amongst secular folks. The global warming thing was discussed on previous days. And way more importantly, I want to say that I have been with Vineeto and Richard now for roughly 35 hours and with Peter 25 hours or so. I have yet to witness a single moment of irritation between the three, not even a disdainful look. In all my life, I have never ever seen anything like it. Quite notably as well is that there are no roles being played out. One might think that Richard is the leader and Vineeto is his mate and Peter is the lap dog. And if it wasn’t the case, it’s only because Richard is playing the part of the humble messiah. You have to see it to fully believe but there is no pretence nor malice. Between the three of them, there is nothing but goodwill. And they have been nothing but utterly kind to me. (Message 14908) Jul 24, 2013 Re: Day 6 Posted By: Jonathan I got the chronology of events slightly wrong in my summary of Bungawalbin. Irene actually died about 4 weeks before those events. And to clarify, the exact method by which Justine became actually free is unknown. It is only by putting together certain pieces of info that Richard came up with the current theory. That reminds me. On day 7, we talked a little about Justine and Richard’s stay at his house. Related were some amusing anecdotes of an inconsequential variety. (Message 14909) Jul 24, 2013 Re: Day 7 Posted By: Jonathan “In fact, this trio is the first people I have ever met who don’t share my political bend.” Read: In fact, this trio is the first sensible people I have ever met who don’t share my political bend. “...though Richard says that there is a difference between Peter and Vineeto.” I want to clarify. Peter also says that there is a difference. He says that his social identity hasn’t yet completely dropped away. It is doing so bit by bit, however. Today, I asked Peter if he was still self-conscious meaning if he was still concerned with what other people thought of him. He may have not understood the question because his answer wasn’t clear but he seemed to suggest that he is and that it can be uncomfortable. I expect him to mean that sometimes he is unsure about which action to take due to some uncertainty stemming from that lingering social identity. And by uncomfortable perhaps he means in the same way that being lost might be uncomfortable even to a person who is no particular hurry nor vain or ashamed about his inner-compass or lack thereof, nor in any physical danger. Just a mild discomfort from not being sure. That is what I gather but only Peter could confirm. (Message 14910) Jul 24, 2013 Re: Day 2 Posted By: Jonathan No. 29: Day 3 to Day 6 were not actual enough to report? Or it was this one long moment from day 2 to day 7?! I didn’t take any notes and was going from memory. first decided to report chronologically from days 1 to present day then gave that up and am now reporting day by day. day 3 was a good as that is the first day i met Peter. I may choose to go back and write a little about that especially ‘cause he talks about what a momentous opportunity this is and how that had a positive effect on me. (Message 14913) Jul 26, 2013 Day 8 Posted By: Jonathan I cried on day 8. Word to the wise, stay away from Actualism if you don’t want to cry it out. At some point, you will have to. Evidently, almost everyone has one thing or two for which there is an intense emotional connection. I was talking without abandon in the hope that something would come up and sure enough it did. I held it in as well as I could while on the boat and then intentionally let it all out after getting back to the lodge. I then took a walk and saw the world as utterly perfect. There was no apperception so it wasn’t a PCE but it was pretty darn good. We went back for dinner a few hours later and I discovered the psychic web for the first time. I think that it is difficult to see in normal life. We are so self-involved, stressed-out, that we don’t notice the vibes coming from other people. When we aren’t stressed out in the least we can notice that an emotion we suddenly feel isn’t our own. And if you are in a controlled environment like we have at the house boat (no-one coming in and out, everyone knows each other, all on the same page) then you can ask questions and pinpoint from whom the vibe came and the accuracy of your perception. Richard clarified HAIETMOBA to us. It is an emotional awareness. This morning I have been more than just aware and appreciative of my own happiness. I have been aware that this moment is affective. Even when I am thinking of something else, i can experience this moment affectively. Even if that something else is a remembrance or a hope. It’s not second nature yet. I think it will have to be second nature before out from control is achieved. By recognizing that there is only the present and emotionally involving ‘yourself’ completely in whatever you are doing then I think you can easily see that the past is only emotional and the future is nothing but an emotion. Only the present can be lived actually. Everything else is emotion. But before the past and future is shed for good, the Self i.e. your emotions have to be supremely attached to the present. You have to love the present and appreciate that utter affection you have for it. And the past and future will only be regarded with affection as well but will be seen as inferior to the present because the present has so much more to offer i.e. the 5 senses and human intimacy. Finally, I’d like to talk about Felix’s post regarding actual intimacy. This is an excellent practice. This will help you see how much better actual caring is to emotionally caring for someone. And will generate confidence that actual freedom is better than sublimation, detachment or mutual exploitation. This begs the question. Why should you love yourself but not others? It seems obvious to me yet I don’t have a concise answer. Nothing immediately pours out. So let me contemplate that. And I have written about contemplation on another day. If you want to read the difference between intellectual reasoning and contemplation then read the previous post or better yet go to the AFT site. (Message 14922) Jul 26, 2013 Re: day 8 Posted By: Jonathan bds1632: I’ve wanted to have a good cry for a long time! Really getting so much from your reports Jon, thanks for taking the time. Jonathan: I highly recommend it. To clarify: I asked. “Why should you love yourself but not others?” The answer it that you aren’t to love yourself. You are to be friendly to yourself. Just as when a friend feels anger and you talk him down. So you do to yourself. Of course, you don’t want to divide the Self into two. Just as you stop to notice how a friend is feeling. You do the same for yourself. And when a friend fails, you put it into a sensible perspective. So you do for yourself. I also wrote about being affectively aware of yourself even while thinking of the past or present. This smacks too much of mindfulness. You always want to bring back to here. Past and future may be relevant to here like when you are telling a story or planning a grocery list. But here is the moment. The future is speculation and the past is memory. It may be sensible speculation or a useful memory but they can be nothing but memory and speculation. And that is hard to gather as we insist in living for the future or in the past. But you can only be here and you can only experience this moment. Remember to have Fun being here! (Message 14925) Jul 26, 2013 Day 3 Posted By: Jonathan Day 3 was an important day. For one, we got to meet Peter. That alone cleared up some inaccuracies regarding this Actualist group here in Australia. Peter is a phenomenal human being. He laughs as much as he breathes. And he cares a great deal about our happiness. We have spoken a tad about the difference between Peter and R&V. I can’t say that I understand it but from the talks, Peter still has a social identity. He clearly doesn’t have feelings. If he did, they would have shown by now. He is a single man who lives right next door and with prolonged daily contact with his former mate of 10 years and there is not one hint of jealousy, animosity, lingering romantic affection, or sexual frustration. Nor could those feelings be sublimated in anyway because, simply put, he is too happy. He laughs and makes jokes all the time. And he cares for us and everyone else he meets. This is not possible in the real world. Only in another world could this be possible: Terra Actualis as Richard likes to say. As for the lingering social identity, I gather that it means he has personality traits, which he tacitly accepts as necessary. But they may not all be beneficial. On day 9, he mentioned seriousness to Srid. He told him that he wanted to get rid of seriousness and so he took it out and looked at it and it soon dropped away. This was a whole 2 years after he became newly free. Personally, I think the man is fantastic and shouldn’t change a thing. Vineeto and Richard picked us up in the morning and we ate breakfast which they sneakily paid for. I think they like to take advantage of foreigners who keep thinking that the server will bring out the check. But no, in Australia you go to the register who tells you how much is owed. So while you’re waiting for the check, they sneakily get up and pay for the whole thing themselves. We get back to the houseboat and there is Peter. He hugs Richard and then I stick out my hand and he shakes it and we go in for one of those shake and half hugs the American blacks invented. Inside the boat, Peter began to talk about how great of an opportunity this was. We were amongst three actually free people, two of whom were meaning of life free, the female and male charge of pure intent. He imparted how unique of a situation this was as it has only been on the Earth for a very short time. This was similar to Richard’s speech on day one in which he imparted how grand life is. He said that the universe doesn’t even have to exist and yet it does. He described it as magical because there is no ultimate explanation. And he said to enjoy it. Soon into it, they got to talking about this moment. Richard: Where is the Jon drinking coffee? me: He doesn’t exist. R: Where is the Jon walking the plank to get to the boat? me: he doesn’t exist. R: where is the Jon being driven back to the lodge? me: he doesn’t exist. R: So where is Jon? me: right here. R: Are there any other Jons? me: no. R: Do you feel any disdain. Is feeling disdainful silly? me: It’s silly, it’s absurd. It’s impossible. In other words, living here makes perfection evident. (Message 14926) Jul 27, 2013 Days 9 & 10 Posted By: Jonathan Day 9 was a lunch in a small hippie town/retiree village/farming community. We then walked through an arboretum. Before leaving the lunch to walk through the arboretum, Richard asked if we we’re ready for an arboreal experience. I think it’s a pun worth passing on. Beyond the excellence of the park, the only progress I made was experiencing the psychic web again when I encountered a vibe from a couple sitting next to us. Day 10 is coming to an end as I write this. A couple of hours ago, the group dropped us back at the lodge. We ate breakfast in town and sunbathed on a secluded beach and took the raft some. More excellence was experienced which is always progressive. The breakfast was from where the greatest value came, however. I talked about the previous evening after Srid and I parted for the night. I who was not hungry but had a hankering for beer went to Hotel Henry louis, i believe it is called. From a previous evening, I knew more young people hung out there as opposed to a closer pub which is full of grey beards following the pari-mutuel action. At the pub, I kept ruminating on why I couldn’t stay here (stay in the here and now). I figured that the subject matter of my thoughts would reveal my main objection to staying here. And the subject matter is most always my relationships (perceived, real and desirous) with other human beings. Being in a pub on a Friday night gave this pre-occupation a festive flavor. And I regarded society and relationships as a festive competition. I can summarize it best by saying that I thought society a quest for power and sex with a vital dose of gamesmanship. And it seemed fun to me. I could see why i didn’t want to give it up. Over breakfast, I talked this over with Srid and RPV. They made numerous points. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to remember them all in just one sitting. Peter (who bought the breaky (Aussie for breakfast) - i only mention it to demonstrate their fabulous goodwill) talked about the altruistic aspect of this endeavour: We are doing this for the good of the whole world, human beings especially. And, as it stands, altruism is necessary to complete the process because ‘you’ can’t drop ‘you’. Some force outside of ‘you’ has to make the final dissolution. This has been discussed in the days before and I’m getting a clearer and clearer idea of what is at stake and why it is so beneficial for us all. As a result, altruism is taking hold. Now if I can only remember what Vineeto and Richard said about it. I’m drawing a blank so I will post again later. I believe it was along the same line of thought but with a different spin. I do remember that Richard was talking about the concept of withdrawal to Srid. And Richard was repeating the advice he gave to a close friend who with them at Bungawalbin. He told her that learning to engage in the world wouldn’t be worth the effort. That, instead, she should stay withdrawn from the real world so as to realize the actual world. This is similar to the choice that confronts me: Do I choose the real world and it’s alluring yet sadistic gamesmanship or do I choose the actual world for the benefit of all those fine people at the pub and for everyone all over the world who will have one less cruel and cunning person to do battle with and one more flesh and blood human being to enjoy and be safe around? During that breakfast, I also saw for the first time that Richard and Vineeto are virtually the same. There is a slight difference between them but, in essence, it is the same energy. Peter’s energy is less in-bloom. We are to meet another actual free person tomorrow and that is so very exciting. I will post again tonight if I can recall precisely what Vineeto told me regarding my pub experience. (Message 14929) Jul 28, 2013 Day 10 (Relationships, companionship, human society) Posted By: Jonathan I am separate from people to maintain relationships with them. I seek relationships with people because I am separate from them. I need separation in order to have relationships. I need relationships because I feel separate. Vineeto said that when she had the same realization I had at the pub, she wondered to herself: What am I without relationships with other people? And she soon realized it was a “foopa”⁽⁰¹⁾ [furphy], (German slang for circular argument)⁽⁰²⁾. I told her that I’d have to contemplate that. And she encouraged me to do so but she still had more to say on it. And I listened intently but must have been unable to process it hence my lack of memory. But as I was sitting on my bed an hour before our pickup time, actively working on experiencing this moment of being alive as utterly excellent, I encountered fear. I almost ignored it. I wanted to push it out of the way so I could continue to experience this moment as excellent. But I caught it in time before pushing it away and I said: What is that? And I realized I was afraid of losing myself. And what am I? What specifically am I afraid of? I am afraid of losing my relationships with other people? Not just my family and friends but every relationship no matter how temporary or tenuous. I sat with it and it occurred to me. It’s all smoke and mirrors, a circular argument, a foopa [furphy]. What will I be if I am no longer separate? I’ll just be a body with pure intent? Why is that frightening? Because I’ll have no relationships with anyone. Why do I want relationships? Because I am separate. Aha! Now imagine the most satisfying relationship possible for you. For me, it is a situation where all my talents are respected and utilized. And all difficult and awkward tasks are done for me. And I have free and easy access to all the pleasures of the flesh from food to sex to creature comforts. Of course, all that wealth and prestige comes at a cost. Most of the cost comes from degradation of my fellow human beings. A small fraction comes from my own degradation, which can easily pass unnoticed but must come out in some way. Consider your ideal relationship and compare it to an excellent experience. It doesn’t compare. The EE is much better. Consider the feelings of fraud that would come up especially knowing that separation is only necessary in order to maintain this so-called ideal relationship. Now it is realized that the relationship is actually less than ideal. Or rather, there is no such thing as an ideal relationship (other than not being stuck in abject degradation). The relationship is fraudulent because it is unnecessary. It is unnecessary because the separation is unnecessary. All that degradation is unnecessary. Then once again remember an excellent experience. Make this moment an excellent moment. And ponder the objection if it comes up. (Message 14938) ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯ ⁽⁰¹⁾ “foopa” = fault pas = wrong step ⁽⁰²⁾ Furphy Vineeto: A furphy according to Mr. Oxford is – Austral. slang. [f. Furphy water and sanitary carts, manufactured by the Furphy family in Victoria during the 1914-18 war.] A false report or rumour; an absurd story. Oxford Dictionary Strange connection – ‘sanitary carts’ and ‘an absurd story’! I like the sound of the word, it reminds me of a silly little furry animal running round in circles. I used ‘furphy’ as in a useless emotion that prevents me from getting closer to my pursued goal – freedom. To find out that I have been going round in circles of doubt, impatience or self-deception means I can stop wasting my time. The more I investigated reoccurring silly emotions that did not seem to be triggered by anything in particular, the more I considered them to be furphies – the ‘self’ buying time or ‘me’ being busy postponing my demise. Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan, 4.7.2000 * Jul 28, 2013 Clarification Posted By: Jonathan I said furpa or something. It’s furphy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furphy I want to mention what we had for dinner last night since it was so good. We had ocean trout and guacamole sauce, sliced baked potatoes and mixed vegetables with sliced potatoes mixed with a creamy sauce. We had a lovely red wine. And for dessert, we had mixed berries mixed with white chocolate in a classy desert glass. (Message 14941) Jul 28, 2013 Day 11. up river Posted By: Jonathan I heard Peters car do his U-turn. I knew it was his car because I heard it (lol) and because of his customary U-turn. I finished up the last post and began gathering my things as I heard footsteps to my door then a knock. I opened it and an Indian man with his customary yellow shirt underneath his red sweater informs me that Peter is here. I finished gathering my things, locked up, walked out and greeted Peter enthusiastically. I stepped into the back seat of the two seater and Srid came in after, as always careful to not squash my toes in pushing back the seat. On the parking lot, we saw one unfamiliar car, a motorcycle and a bumper sticker on one of the familiar cars. It displayed the sentiment that the owner of said car was daring you to piss him off. Behind the lettering was a picture of a shotgun or two. I thought I was back in Florida for a second but then remembered the sign on the 3rd houseboat in the same dock which said “Warning - Grumpy ass on board with a picture of a donkey.” or something to that effect. I mention. “There’s a couple of unfamiliar cars here.” And Peter, disinterestedly, said. “Yes. Grace is here.” Grace is “Name Withheld” of AFT fame. She later gave me permission to name her by name. It’s an open secret anyway. So I walked the walkway, walked the plank, walked the dock, stepped onto Peters houseboat and saw Richard, Vineeto and Grace all sitting down. Grace is a young, skinny, soft spoken white woman with brown hair. Richard was sitting on one of the two couches facing each other. Vineeto was directly opposite on the other couch and Grace was beside Vineeto. In such a good mood with utter confidence that the day was going to be marvellous, I went to hug Grace even though she hadn’t yet gotten up to greet me. And then, with unintentional irony, I shook Vineeto and Richards hands. Later came Peter and Srid. We all chatted amiably. Peter began the houseboat and up river we began. Well, we had to untie and push off first and that was good fun. At one point, Grace left the couch and went up to the steering section where Peter has his bed and steering wheel as well as anchor. I believe the two were sitting outside on the front part of the boat (I’m sure it has a name; I’m also sure it’s no-where in my vocabulary.) Peter had his arm inside the boat steering the wheel casually while sitting cross-legged outside. At this point, Richard mentioned… It should be noted that I am feeling impatience while i write this. Here is an opportunity to examine something. Clearly, I’m not living here. I am anticipating forgetting something and also anticipating the feeling of relieve and satisfaction that will occur when I am done. I am living in the future. Very interesting. ---- the wide and wondrous path, indeed! At this point, Richard mentioned that Grace is an example of someone who doesn’t necessarily share the AFT point of view. She has never read the website despite living with Richard for several years. But she isn’t interested in concepts, per se. An intellectual understanding of the matter never interested her. She did want to experience it though and she does. She is living proof that actually free people aren’t clones. When she came back to the living room, if you will, and sat down with us, I asked her if she remembered what the final obstacle was for her. She didn’t remember but together Grace and Richard constructed the events leading up to her freedom. She had called up Richard and said that she wanted to be free. So she drove to down Bungawalbin where the convivium was holding it’s first ambience, milieu project. And Richard and her went for a picnic and she decided to be free on that day. At that point, I decided that i wanted to be free. So I said as much. I decided to look at Richard and I felt fear as he was talking. I turned it into excitement. I reminded myself that I was a pioneer. Excellence and Perfection Here is worth the daring. That relationships were all a furphy. In effect, I was giving up nothing in exchange for everything. And a shift occurred. I was Here. Everything was perfect. I didn’t say anything about it because I’ve already had 3 EE’s since coming here and each time I thought I was free only to have it fizzle out. This was the first time, however, that it occurred with R&V and Peter had told me earlier that if I became free on this trip it was going to be in their presence and not on my own. After the shift, I immediately became much more outgoing and fun. In fact, I’m surprised no one noticed the shift by personality change alone. I made an easy going, though lame, pun about jeans and genes. I slapped Srid’s leg as I hopped over feet and tables to get to the bathroom. I noticed my tone of voice was clear and direct, free of the typical uncertainty and my questions were pertinent to my brand new situation. I asked Grace if she knew right away when she became free. She said that she did not. This was exactly in line with my doubts. I asked Vineeto about apperception and she said that that doesn’t occur fully into meaning of life free but that it’s a continuous improvement. Okay. It was clear that I wasn’t yet apperceptive but that that didn’t mean I wasn’t free. And I asked about imagination and their answers were in line with how I was currently experiencing it. So everything indicated that the desired shift had come about. 45 minutes later after the shift, Vineeto asked me when I was going to become free. I told that I already was. That it happened about 45 minutes ago. She was doubtful as was everyone else. In fact, Peter got up and went to the steering wheel as soon as I said it. The atmosphere changed from jovial to stern. I suspected that they were gravely disappointed. Vineeto wanted to know more. There wasn’t much that I could tell because just as everyone else has reported: all was the same yet everything had changed. I went on about this moment and perfection and no future or past. She asked me about my dog which was the sticking point that required the cry a couple of days earlier. I rambled on about that. And no one was convinced. Which was fine with me because everything was so perfect. It did seem, however, that I disappointed them. That they were expecting more and were disappointed that nothing else had happened. And I would have preferred that I didn’t disappoint them. Richard, still unconvinced, moved on from me and went to Grace. “These two aren’t giving us anything.” He said. Vineeto laughed. “Yea. Jon just slinked away.” Grace was sitting opposite him on the other couch at the time. As it were, I was sitting beside Richard. He began asking Grace whether or not she wanted to complete the process. Grace, like Peter and all the other actually free people besides Richard and Vineeto, is newly free. He was attempting to see if Grace was ready for meaning of life freedom or not. Grace tried to describe the ineffable perfection that is freedom. She did the best she could but words always fail. Tears formed in her eyes and they flowed down her cheeks. The word magnificence comes to mind. Richard ceased asking questions and we all sat there soaking up the stillness. Soon thereabouts they decided to prepare lunch. And I chose not to offer any help because 5 people in a tiny kitchen in a smallish houseboat is company but 6 is a crowd. I grabbed my pouch of tobacco, went outside, rolled the cigarette and had the time of my life sitting cross-legged on a square wooden bench watching a light drizzle hit the water and trees in the middle of a sub-tropical rainforest in the southern hemisphere on my 4th continent (and counting). I also was thinking that the group wasn’t as much fun anymore. I remember thinking that now that I was free I could leave Ballina earlier than planned and spend the rest of my trip in Sydney. I have a sense that it’s a shame to come all this way and not do anything touristy. But mostly, I was just in awe of life. I came back when the food was more or less all set up. It was so delicious and still. I couldn’t fathom how complete everything was. I wanted to cry. Periodically, I would stop, close my eyes and look down just to appreciate how still it was. Vineeto, who was very much convinced that I was mistaken, asked me to join the group, even though I was sitting down well within the tight 6 person irregular elliptical we had formed. I accepted her expertise and asked her what I needed to do to become actually free. She said for starters I needed to join the group. I said okay and refocused my attention on the 5 other people around me. She then asked if I wanted to know what had happened. She said that I felt fear and chose a false courage to overcome it. Richard compared it to his time in Vietnam when he felt no fear despite the obvious danger in front of him. And he said that all those soldiers who got medal of honours and the like were men in the same situation. They did something dissociative so that they felt fearless though fear was still operating hidden away somewhere. The details of this explanation are fuzzy but, either way, I doubt that is what I did. I specifically remember the fear and looking for the thrilling component to it so I could take the plunge. And then there was no more ‘me’ only perfection and here. And the only reason I didn’t say anything was because I wasn’t totally sure that it was permanent, having 3 EE’s already this trip - all of which dissipated. It was only when Vineeto specifically asked me when I wanted to be free that I told them that I already was. So this false fearlessness was the working hypothesis we were going with as it came to my then current condition. And I was motivated to become actually free then and there. I opened my mouth and began talking. It wasn’t easy because this was a state of being that was totally new to me. Peter asked a slew of questions to help me clarify was I was experiencing and I answered them to the best of my ability; careful not to rely too much on the words typically used on the AFT site. I was weary of feeding them pre-arranged answers. I wanted a genuine confirmation. At some point, still somewhat uneasy that my experience was matching up with their expectations, I turned to Richard and said “oh that’s right. An out from control virtual freedom has to precede an actual freedom.” He indicated that that is how it has gone in the past but it’s still all brand new. After some while, everyone seemed pleased that whatever the experience was it was a good experience. At the very least, progress was being made. Shortly after, we moved on from me. I slapped Vineeto on the leg and said that I had just experienced an unpleasant emotion of some kind. It didn’t fit any of the most common emotions but was probably closes to doubt. This was a good experience as it better told me better what was going on. It’s probably out from control but as Vineeto and Irene demonstrated, out from control doesn’t guarantee success. One still has to focus on pure intent and here. In Vineeto’s first out-from-control, she rebelled from the group, convinced that Richard was the devil, before coming back even more intent on final success, which happened 5 weeks later. But Irene attained out from control and turned away, going to her grave in firm opposition to Actual freedom. The rest of the evening was spent having good fun. As we were heading back, I asked Grace what she experienced when she was crying. She said that it was overwhelming for her. I asked her if she felt sorrow. And she quietly said that she doesn’t experience things like that. But when she is overwhelmed, crying just happens. She’s a very intimate woman. I quite liked her. It is obvious that she experiences no separation between people and I expect that when she is with other actually free people, which isn’t very often from what i gathered, she is pleased to be able to express that intimacy. I asked her if she ever experienced out from control. She said that she doesn’t know. And she said that she still doesn’t understand her new state. We tied the house to the dock. They tied. I watched. It was quite fun. And I hugged Peter and hugged Grace. Richard was near his houseboat, putting some things away. I walked by him and said goodbye. He said. “Goodbye Jon. I’m quite curious to see how you are tomorrow, of course.” I said. “Ok.” I found it amusing that I had no indecision as to whether I should shake his hand, hug him or what. It just seemed totally reasonable to let him continue what he was doing. It was agreed that Vineeto would drive us back. At the car, I asked her if stillness was the same as pure intent. When she let us out, I blew her a kiss but she was already rolling down her window. So I stuck my head in the window and kissed her on the cheek. It will be interesting to see what this evening and tomorrow brings. But whatever the case, fun and stillness is always here if you look for it or even just expect to find it. Soon after finishing the report, Srid knocks on my door. I say come in as it is unlocked. I immediately feel Srid’s sorrow. It is quite mild but I notice it easily because it is a stark contrast to my lack of feeling. I shut my computer and look up at him to make sure. He doesn’t look down but neither is he exuberant. “What’s wrong? I ask. ”You look down.“ He replies that he is and we spend our dinner hour talking about it. Towards the end, he mentions that it is gone and he can get back to being happy. Earlier, he had mentioned that he will bring it up tomorrow and won’t wait for Vineeto to drag it out of him. I am glad that things are progressing so nicely for the both of us. Later on, I take a walk down the main drag. My thoughts are on this post. When they cease from time to time, I immediately notice the stillness and the excellence. There are no worries here. Quite clearly, the past is a memory and the future is speculation. As I write this final bit, I realize certain irritations. Word keeps crashing and I have to save it every 10 seconds. Each time it crashes, I’m like `what the fuck.’ It’s more funny than irritating but the irritation is still there. And logging on to the internet to cut and paste onto the mailing list brings some impatience. It will be interesting to see how I am tomorrow. (Message 14940) Jul 29, 2013 Morning and another furphy Posted By: Jonathan Opened up eyelids this morning without the stillness and without that excitement and/or happiness one needs to get to wonder. I’d call the feeling a mixture of nice, while alternately mildly disconcerted into confidence. 5 minutes later, I threw off the covers and got up. Made a post and then walked the streets. I actually got caught in the rain but it was only a moderate drizzle. By the time, I reached Main St and River St, I had re-found the stillness. On the way back I caught another furphy. I had realized that I inadvertently gave away one iota of too much information in my post last night. And immediately I thought of an excuse. Yesterday, I told the person that I’d report the matter in a certain way so as to keep the reader guessing and as I was saying this to her, Peter began lifting up the anchor which shook the boat and distracted everyone. So my excuse was that Peter’s anchor distracted me from my intention. I then thought to myself. “Why do I need to make excuses. The harm is already done.” And I thought about it: We want other people to like us because it makes us happy. Which means that we must keep ourselves less than happy in order to get other people to like us. OMG. That is so funny. There must be another furphy when it comes to impatience. Every time, I log onto the internet, I have to wait a few seconds and I feel the impatience. So I have to figure out the furphy with that one. (Message 14942) Jul 29, 2013 Re: Morning and another furphy Posted By: Jonathan Yet another furphy. Sexual attraction. When we see an attractive other, we immediately feel lust. That lust acts a divider between us and that person. It separates us from her. From there we can feel a whole slew of things both pleasant things and unpleasant depending on our attitude. But the essence of it that we covertly want to have a relationship with her (no matter how impractical it may be or how immoral we may feel it is). So, unbeknownst to us, we desire a relationship to bridge the separation. And, or course, the relationship would be unnecessary if not the separation. The question then becomes how do I bridge the separation once the lust has already appeared if not by relationship? Idk. I’ll have to contemplate that. (Message 14943) Jul 29, 2013 Day 12 Posted By: Jonathan We met at an outdoor cafe in a suburban strip mall. Right off the get-go, Srid put himself in the hot seat. I listened. It lasted about 40 minutes. I found out later over coffee that Srid found it very useful. Later on, Srid taught me about taking in your feelings and accepting them rather just dismissing them. I will have to read the website closer to see if I got that right. Then it was my turn to get in the hot seat. Richard said he found my report very informative. I knew that I was in for it. He said that no where in my report did I mention pure intent. This was the give-away. Their theory that I did disassociate was confirmed. They were probably hoping that I would go on and on about pure intent and they could celebrate that I was getting ever so closer and the world was going to be a better place. But, alas, that did not happen. It was very, very frustrating. I had spent the previous 10 days getting happier and happier and on Day 11 when everything was set up for a transformation, I backed out. But the only problem was I didn’t know I backed out. I still don’t recall a single conscious decision I made. In fact, the only conscious decision I remember is a decision to plough full steam ahead. But, somehow, ‘I’ went the other way. It feels a bit like loosing the super bowl. Actually, it feels worse. It feels like finding out you lost the super bowl when you thought that you had won it. 10 days of steadily getting happier and happier followed by an hour of thinking I am free of the human condition, followed by a whole day, night and morning that I was out-from-control (a fantastic consolation prize) only to learn that I had, unwittingly, gone in the complete opposite direction. It was very confusing. Because this disassociation was so god-damn pleasant. Shapes, colours and sounds seemed so much sharper and feeling was much less consequential. On top of that, I spent the morning uncovering illusion after illusion in regards to the identity. Their analysis was so very shocking, frustrating and unbelievable. It didn’t make any sense. I only know that I had retreated at the pivotal moment but don’t have any memory of doing so and (at the time) I still wasn’t completely sure that it was a retreat. Tears swelled up and my nose got congested. It was terrible. I took a walk and began to see that they were right but couldn’t quite get myself to believe it. I was feeling both good and lousy. The lousy part didn’t seem real. It wasn’t until I went back to the lodge and talked it over with Srid that I saw that the primary emotion was embarrassment and the embarrassment was felt on the skin rather than in the heart let alone accepted by the mind. As it weird as it sound, my identity didn’t feel embarrassed. I felt good but I recognized an embarrassment. It was like an ugly dog following me that was legally mine though I didn’t accept responsibility. I felt the embarrassment on the skin and only occasionally would it roll into my body where I really felt it but even then it would retreat into the background where I could disown it again. By the end of that talk with Srid, I was able to fully claim it. I am embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I was so sure of myself and I didn’t want to admit my fall from grace to other people. So the task tonight is to fully identify with my feelings again and hopefully soon I can get back to trying to be happy. I have high hopes that the happiness part will be easy but I probably shouldn’t look that far in the future. I need to own my feelings first. On a side note, I can see why a Vipassana practioners could have been very easily fooled into thinking that he/she had attained some lofty goal. With Vipassana practice, I could have moved those feelings farther and farther away from my identity. It would have been second nature to do so and the resultant disassociation would have felt better and better. I am angry with my self for retreating: It was an automatic reaction. I wasn’t even aware that I was doing it, let alone aware of any deliberate choice. I feel like I am a coward. And it is sad to be too afraid to step out of murder, rape, war, suicide, child abuse, etc. It is sad that I am so cowardly that I can’t even stand to face my own cowardly decisions. On the hand, I am very happy that I am not stubborn. I deliberately chose not to be stubborn. I’ve consistently made that choice my whole life and now at the moment it is most needed, I am reaping the benefit. Because I am not stubborn, I can easily admit that I chickened out. I don’t have to insist that Richard and Vineeto and Peter have got it wrong. And I easily could (not correctly - but easily) If I wanted to, I could convince myself that they are delusional. I could make the argument that they have feelings and are engaged in their own petty power play. I could cite examples. It would be a misconstruction of events but I could cite them. For example, I could say that the only reason RPV didn’t acknowledge my new state was because they were worried that I wouldn’t give Richard credit for being the first. I actually considered that. On my walk, I gave it a full listen. I could give example of how cruel they are. For example, they laugh at peoples misery and poke fun at our confusion. But I know they aren’t maliciously poking fun. It’s because they don’t have feelings that they can have a slight chuckle even when viewing malice. They don’t feel pity and there isn’t anything they can do to prevent it except teach Srid and I how to become free of it. That is their goal. They want to spread peace on earth and they know that it comes from becoming happy and harmless and then naive (the non-gullible kind, Richard makes the distinction on the website). Besides, they have fantastic arguments against feelings and against meditation practice. I can be happy that I don’t go the route of stubborn arrogance. It is unfortunate that I wasted two days especially day 11. But I didn’t choose to waste them. It just happened that way and, obviously, it was something I needed to learn. Before I sign off, I want to talk about sorrow. Richard said this afternoon that sorrow is caused by being locked out of paradise. There is no way that a person can read those words and just accept them. They are too flowery. For one thing, everyone knows that there is no such thing as paradise so it must be a metaphor. Therefore when reading them, I just ignore it. I’m not even aware that I’m ignoring it. I’m reading until I come to something that agrees with my sensibilities. But, unless he says that he is joking, he absolutely means every word on the website. Read every sentence and contemplate each one. Dismiss not a single word. If you have a difficult time accepting this or that sentence or this or that word then ask the mailing list. (Message 14947) Jul 29, 2013 Re: Day 11 . up river Posted By: Jonathan Thank You Claudiu. Day 13 will be interesting. I am still quite sad to be locked out of paradise but it occurs to me again and again that there is a solution. Perhaps, I have the key and just need to keep wiggling the lock. I too had dreams after my false AF-False out-from-control. I dreamed of disappointing RPV which was also my sense on the house boat on day 11. In retrospect, those dreams should have made it clear that I was fooling myself. But if disassociation weren’t attractive then no-one would do it and there wouldn’t be all this resistance to the AFT. If I return home still in the human condition, we should team up and try to find some way to help each other out of it. For me, reading the website would be a very good start. But I think that if one or two people can learn how to enter the actual world without having to come to Australia then that would be a great boon for the whole world. Well, that’s the future and it’s only speculation. I have 4 days left here and I may choose to stay longer if I am able. It is supremely important that we free humanity from it’s ugly condition. That said, the world is a fantastic playground and the universe itself is magic. * CLAUDIU: Fascinating stuff, Jon. I appreciate your detailed reports. Glad to hear everything’s going really well =). JONATHAN: At that point, I decided that i wanted to be free. So I said as much. I decided to look at Richard and I felt fear as he was talking. I turned it into excitement. I reminded myself that I was a pioneer. Excellence and Perfection Here is worth the daring. That relationships were all a furphy. In effect, I was giving up nothing in exchange for everything. And a shift occurred. I was Here. Everything was perfect. [...] 45 minutes later after the shift, Vineeto asked me when I was going to become free. I told that I already was. That it happened about 45 minutes ago. She was doubtful as was everyone else. [...] I went on about this moment and perfection and no future or past [...] no one was convinced. [...] Richard, still unconvinced, moved on from me and went to Grace. “These two aren’t giving us anything.” He said. Vineeto laughed. “Yea. Jon just slinked away.” [...] I also was thinking that the group wasn’t as much fun anymore. I remember thinking that now that I was free I could leave Ballina earlier than planned and spend the rest of my trip in Sydney. [...] [Later] I slapped Vineeto on the leg and said that I had just experienced an unpleasant emotion of some kind. (Message 14948) CLAUDIU: It’s really interesting how often this seems to be happening – thinking that one has just done it – and how good Richard, Vineeto, et al are at figuring out that it didn’t. e.g. noticing that what you had done was slink away from the group (and you say you were contemplating leaving) instead of become actually free as you thought. The same happened to me during my visit. I was really, really anxious to be actually free before I left. I feared forgetting everything I learned and reverting to my old ways, which had become quite painful by that point. So I wanted to force it. Essentially ‘I’ tried to force it to happen/to make it happen. This was two or three days before I left. It happened when I got back to my room after a day of interacting with Richard & Vineeto. I was showering and it struck me how unfair the ‘real world’ was. People have inconsistent standards. They blame you for things that aren’t your fault. (Not to mention making you feel bad for mistakes you did made/could have avoided, which doesn’t help anything. Though I wasn’t thinking this at the time.) And it feels really bad at times. So ‘I’ tried to put all of ‘me’ into allowing it to happen. I was taking melatonin pills to try to regulate my sleep schedule, so I got into bed and fell into a light sleep, with this on my mind. I awoke a few hours later out of a dream (I forget the contents), and in that hypnopompic state I got the impression that yes, ‘I’ was 100% ready, and then – a shift happened! I immediately thought I was actually free. That I had done it! It’s funny cause, in hindsight, I was so obviously emotionally excited and anxious, yet I managed to convince myself that it was just physical after-effects (mimicking what I had read on the AFT) and that there was ‘no affect’. I had already gained experiential knowledge of what pure intent was, at that point, and I tried to sense it out, and I noticed that it was somehow blocked. In hindsight this was so obviously fear of going there, but at the time I thought it was just again an adjustment or something and that eventually it would be experienced full time. It’s funny cause ‘I’ even convinced ‘myself’ that ‘my’ main goal was to make that purity evident 100% from then on. Whereas in fact it was a turning away. It even seemed obvious that what I actually was, was the consciousness this body was generating, which I experienced as a sort of blob moving around my head and body wherever I put my attention, which in hindsight was probably just ‘me’ making shit up... That night I had super-intense very vivid dreams involving being shunned by society, by everyone I knew, sort of shamed. It was like a row of 20 people very familiar to me all standing around and looking at me disapprovingly. I also had an image of Richard sitting near a VCR, with the VCR stuck in a loop, and I was trying to press the ‘stop’ button but couldn’t quite do it, while Richard was saying to me “all you have to do is stop”, or something like that. Sort of funny in hindsight though I don’t know if it “means” anything. (Vineeto said something like, dreams seem to mean whatever you want them to mean, which is probably a good approach to the whole thing.) Anyway, luckily this happened while still in Australia, so the next morning at breakfast I set about telling Vineeto what had happened. Everything leading up to it was well-received because they were valid insights into ‘reality’ and the benefits of becoming actually free. But when I said I thought I had done it, it wasn’t so well-received. She asked me if I felt there was something more, and I said yes - I was referring to that purity thing above - and she said yes there is more (maybe she even said “much more”). I even tried psychically feeling out the waitress and said there was no affect, whereas in hindsight it was so obviously the fear (which I was pretending wasn’t there/wasn’t affective) which simply wasn’t budging so it all felt the same regardless of what ‘I’ tried to do. In any case, not sure how I got to the point, but a few minutes after I managed to accept that I wasn’t actually free. I immediately lost my appetite and was sort of disappointed. However I quickly became very glad of the fact that I realized this (I said I was glad it happened while I was still in Australia!) and vowed never to try to force myself to become actually free again. Which has served me well. Interestingly, later that day in Richard’s house-boat, Vineeto pointed out that I said I experienced a shift, I agreed, and she said well it seems to have served more the purpose of keeping you away from actual freedom than towards it, no? Maybe you have to undo the shift? I didn’t have any idea how I would go about doing that, but it was an interesting notion. I started wondering if I could undo the shifts I had undergone as a result of meditating. In any case, there wasn’t an obvious “shift back” from that “shift” I said happened. I think all it was that I managed to start fooling myself, and then I simply stopped fooling myself. Luckily all it took was a 15-minute conversation with Vineeto! =). This phenomenon might be worth investigating some more. It seems like potentially one of the most pernicious obstacles possible that could prevent one from entering the actual world. I wonder if this happened at all to Peter or Vineeto or any of the others, and if not, why not? --- Recounting the above also reminded me of a most wonderful event during my trip. After realizing I shouldn’t force myself, I got a lot calmer and less anxious. I realized that it was ‘my’ choice, nobody was making me do it, and I didn’t have to force myself – actually that was counter-productive (leads to “shifts” that take you away from the actual world). After that happened, on my last evening in Australia I got as close as I ever have been to the actual world. I think what happened (this is an after-the-fact reconstruction) is that, being able to relax led to me being able to be curious. I had gotten a strange impression a few times during my trip which I didn’t pursue, but chose to pursue now. It was something along the lines of it seeming impossible for anything to be happening. I brought this up with Richard & Vineeto for the first time that evening and they asked me to elaborate. So I attempted to put into words what I had experienced earlier. The only way I could possibly do that is by experiencing that sensation again, so I tapped into it again and then began trying to put it into words. Interestingly I couldn’t really say much about it, descriptively, except that it led to the question of “is anything actually happening right now?” I decided to pursue the question, and I didn’t even consider trying to intellectually answer it. That would be missing the point. Instead it led to a deep existential probing. I became intensely curious to see the world Richard & Vineeto were actually living in. What happened was amazing. What started coming through was an immense purity, more than I had ever experienced before. Everything looked so much finer than normal. It’s funny, I’m having trouble coming up with anything to say about it cause it seems it would be missing the point. Basically it’s like an entirely different world was shining through and that I was getting closer and closer to it. The world of Vineeto & Richard & Richard’s table & houseboat & coffee etc. A world of purity and sweetness. All precipitated by a deep curiosity as to whether anything was actually happening. Such a simple question! I got close, very close, to experiencing it fully. But then I started to hesitate. Vineeto was smiling and was very inviting. But the hesitation grew into anxiety and fear and then I didn’t go any further. As I pulled away I noticed more of ‘me’ starting to come back. And I remember being completely astounded because I had no idea where those parts of ‘me’ that disappeared went. For the moment it’s like they had never been there. Then out of nowhere they came back. At the time I thought I was on the brink of a PCE but I think now that it was more than that. What’s interesting is that Richard & Vineeto experienced something, then, as well. Here is a part of Vineeto’s email to me on July 11th, 2012, which I am reproducing with her permission: • [Vineeto]: To stay on the topic of pure intent – • [Claudiu]: Richard was indeed quite accurate when he said: • [Richard]: With pure intent running as a ‘golden thread’ through one’s life, reflective contemplation rapidly becomes more and more fascinating. Richard, Selected Correspondence, Contemplation Reflective contemplation is indeed becoming more and more fascinating! There are bouts of what I have decided to call ‘odd contemplation’ wherein I ponder certain things and it’s as if the asking itself is leading to something which I do not know, yet, and which ‘I’ shy away from, instinctively... yet there is something about it. The same sort of feeling which I felt in Australia when I was wondering, ‘it seems impossible that anything can actually happen. Is anything actually happening?’ And which, in Richard’s houseboat, I pursued to the brink of the PCE – but not quite there. • [Vineeto]: This sounds wonderful – a whole new world is opening up for you. There is indeed something about it – allowing naïve contemplation to take place, where the very act of the asking itself elicits the unfolding of something wonderful and way beyond your familiar way of experiencing yourself (plus you are informed by the reports and descriptions of someone who has gone there before). As for your last evening in Australia – in hindsight my impression at the time was not of you being merely at the brink of a PCE. You yourself said, ‘but I don’t want it to be temporarily only.’ There was an experiential sensing at the time of your probing by both Richard and myself, of someone, you, coming into the vicinity of the actual world. A sort of increased sweetness, which for me is the way I experience purity when other people are involved, permeated the room. You asked me what you should do and I said that only you can know what is best for you in this moment, in this situation, and you were relieved. There is much to be digested, and actuality has its own way of becoming apparent at your own pace and working itself out – the universe being much, much more than merely intelligent. CLAUDIU: I also recall immediately taking away two very important points thanks to the above experience: 1) This whole becoming free business is remarkably simple. 2) Felicity is indeed the closest affective imitation to the actual world. This is all such fascinating stuff! Cheers, – Claudiu Jul 31, 2013 Day 13 Posted By: Jonathan We were picked up at 6 PM by Vineeto. She immediately told me how informative she thought my posts were. She said that no one had described disassociation and coming back out from it before. That it illustrated to both her and Richard what went on with Tarin and why many of the others like Nikolai and Tommy M were able to so successfully delude themselves for so long. She also said that my mentioning of not being able to process certain aspects of the website was very informative: A consistent theme in this trip is that Richard is baffled that people can’t simply read the words on the website. To reiterate, in that aforementioned post, I wrote that people come to the site with their own sensibilities and everything which doesn’t jibe with them are simply ignored. That people don’t even know that they are ignoring it. And this is for the people who are open to the message in the first place. For me, I put a value on a happiness that was independent of external events. I made that the highest moral principle and everything in the website which contradicted that strategy was ignored. This includes pure intent, the psychic web and being your feelings. At the houseboat, they asked both Srid and I how we were feeling. And I told them that I was still sad. They asked about the embarrassment and I said that that was gone so they asked why I was sad. And I said because the human condition is so terrible. At one point, they made a very funny joke relevant to the situation and I laughed out loud and I was instantly fun and easy. And that carried on for about an hour or so. About this time, Richard asked Grace when she would be ready to choose fully free. She joked that she wanted to wait until after her business administration course was over. This had put Grace on the hot seat for a little while and when she was off, Srid made the joke that Peter is never on the hot seat. To which, Peter demonstrably put himself on a chair and pretended that it was hot. I joked that it’d be rude to put Peter on the hot seat since it’s his house. Peter shook his head and said he was more than willing to get on the hot seat. So he, again, demonstratively put himself on a pretend hot seat and this time waited for people to ask him questions. No one did. There was only silence. So he answered the question which no one asked (his words). He was delaying full freedom because he and presumably everyone else there think it necessary to have at least one newly free person when involved in a milieu effect experiment. Unfortunately, this trip is running out of time. We wasted 12 days because everyone just assumed I was doing the actualist method when in fact I had been disassociating the whole while. No one mentioned this and I only remember thinking the former part. After this, I noticed that my mood suddenly dipped. No wonder. I didn’t know why at the time but after writing it out, it makes perfect sense. I was upset that we wasted so much time. My mood went from fun and easy to one level below that. At the time, I couldn’t figure out the cause and so kept it to myself. There was a long silence following Peters explanation. I broke the silence by mentioning my dip and indicating that I was keeping it to myself because I didn’t know what to make of it. I may as well have kept it to myself because no one said anything. Finally, Richard said that it was time to start cooking. It was amazing to watch Richard and Vineeto do all the cooking. Here were the two leaders of the group serving the rest of us. And the food was delicious. Steak with a mushroom sauce and broccolini and asparagus with it’s own sauce. Srid and I had beer and the others had a red wine. Yet another fantastic meal. During the cooking, the four of us sat on the couches with Peter often getting up to help out in the kitchen. It gave Srid and I a chance to talk to Grace without the others interrupting. She talked about being newly free and having PCE’s of full freedom. She uses normal affective words like stressful, boring, tedious. I asked her specifically about tedious and she said that it is impatience for the thing to be done. So she didn’t clear it up much. She hasn’t yet bothered to change her vocabulary. On one occasion she was trying to describe an experience and said it felt like emotion xyz and it was clear that it was only an analogy: she could only explain it using the most common words. In other parts of the conversation, she mentioned how she is sometimes flabbergasted when she witnesses people get upset and behave outrageously and that her friends often accuse her of being in denial. And she is like: No. I’m not. I’m just seeing how things are and they are not a big deal. On Day 11, she indicated that she used to be violently emotional and her right pinky is permanently crooked as a result of a violent outburst she once had. She is different from RPV. She may choose to be different from them or she may just have a different intellect but I think her experience is similar. I specifically asked her if she had emotions and she said ‘not like before’. She wasn’t able to elaborate. Despite the great meal and some good conversation I was still one level below that fun and easy high so I attempted to bring it back up by noting to myself what a fantastic occasion this was. I then mentioned it to the group: 4 out of the 7 actually free people on the planet were here sitting in one room. The implications being that Srid and I were crazy lucky and that this was a very rare event. It got Vineeto and Richard discussing the other actualist naming them by names. The woman of Indian birth is one. Justine is another. SKD may possibly be free. Which would make 8 actually free people on the planet. Richard isn’t 100% sure Justine is free because Justine writes that the spiritual path is equal to the actualist path, which of course it can’t be because the spiritual path is the one of love. However, he told me earlier in the trip that it would surprise him greatly if Justine wasn’t free. In other words, they met in person and all indications were that he is free. The 8th free person is SKD and they think she may be free because of all the AF’ers, her accounts were the only ones that indicated an actual freedom. And her recent statements that she still feels affect only indicates that she may be confused, not necessarily unfree. Grace says that she feels something like an emotion once in a wheel but I get the sense that she is only using the emotion as an analogy. Actually free people clearly have preferences and newly free people can still get stuck in the social identity. I don’t understand it but I don’t let my lack of understanding deter me. It would make me even more confident, however, to know more about free people’s experience of the SI, about Peters plans for the future and the trip he took after Bungawalbin. Perhaps, I should be more straight forward in my questions but I am polite. The last part of the evening was spent talking about global warming. Vineeto brought it up by asking me if I had done any new research. I mentioned that I googled a search and looked at the webpage for a brief few minutes. What I did find, though, was enough to get the ball rolling. I mentioned CO2 levels and rural/city measuring points. They brought up a new point which was by far their best point. They were dismissive of my attempts to answer their question but that is because I wasn’t answering their point directly. But I wasn’t answering it directly because I didn’t understand it completely. They were questioning the very physics of a literal greenhouse effect. Where I was, unintentionally, ignoring the greenhouse issue. I ignored it because no one talks about a greenhouse effect anymore. That term is at least several years old. Nonetheless, they brought up a good point and I’ll have fun researching it. I do find it odd that they brought it up. It’s not a particularly fun topic to talk about it. Grace didn’t seem to have any interest in it. Neither does Srid. RPV already know where they stand. And it should be clear to them that I am completely open to their point of view. They either enjoy rehashing already settled arguments or they are really keen on doing my own research on the subject. I find it particularly odd because we could have talked about disassociation and the inability of people to take in the words on the website. My most recent post on the matter were about those two things and both of them are critical to the success of global peace on earth. This morning I woke up with terrible angst. I think angst is decent word used to describe a mixture of sorrow and malice. I lay there with it for quite some time. It is very difficult to both accept a feeling and seek to understand it. The habit is to label it as either something to strive for or something to reject. It is particularly difficult because while feeling it out, my mind often wandered. I couldn’t stay focused on it despite its strong intensity. Perhaps the lack of focus is an early attempt at disassociation. I now realize that my angst is due to the frustration at spending 11 days disassociating and 1 day re-associating. I could have re-associated on day 1 and spend the next 15 days getting to happy & harmless and beyond. There is no point in blaming anyone. If they had known I was disassociating the whole time, they’d have done something about it. And it was impossible for me to know: If I knew, I wouldn’t be doing it. It’s clear to me now that I’ve been dissociating in the name of actualism for 2.5 years now. Hopefully this is a great learning experience for us all. (Message 14969) Jul 31, 2013 Day 14 Posted By: Jonathan After breakfast, we went to the houseboat where Richard picked my superiority complex apart like a fat man at KFC. We never got to the inferiority complex but it’s pretty obvious to where that is located: I can visualize that shy boy who was terrified of everyone. Leaving the boat that afternoon, I was quite pleased. After a snack with Srid, I began feeling short strings of love and I shot a quick email off to Vineeto because I was concerned they would escalate. Surprisingly, they did not. I should have waited longer before trying her expertise on the subject but her reply was excellent no matter. I spent the next 2 hours lying on my back in bed and then took a long walk into the windy night. My emotional state was quite calm at first. One could even say dull but I think an easy relief would be more accurate considering the trauma of the previous two days. I wasn’t satisfied with relief, however. I wanted to feel something less neutral but definitely not love or pride. I focused on felicity. It didn’t take long to really get it rolling. On my back in bed, there was no felicity – only that calm relief. After going outside, it took about 40 minutes to experience some really nice felicitous feelings. I even got into wonder for something probably like an hour. It was special. One technical thing I noticed was that on a few different times, I felt my brain shift. Each time I did so, I really focused all my attention on my heart and insisted on feeling something/anything. What I felt in each instance was the same calmness. But once I got felicity rolling, I didn’t experience any such brain shift for the rest of the night. There’s another important component to today (and yesterday as well). How I’m experiencing myself. It seems to me that I (my feelings) am the human condition and the human condition is a bigger version of my feelings. Since this afternoon on the houseboat, I feel less like an individual. It seems that I am merely a pattern and so is everyone else. An affective pattern. Or better yet, an affective chaos equation that is only slightly unique from the other equations. And as I experience myself in this way, I feel that to be free is to leave the body and vanish forever. I don’t feel like this body is mine. I feel like I belong to something called the human psyche which in turn belongs to something even more ancient. And this body may not need me to survive and in fact may even prosper without me. But more importantly, the world will benefit without me. And Felicity seems like the way out of this body. If it can disrupt the pattern then maybe something wonderful can happen. There are 5 examples right here in this city of a way out of sorrow, malice, compassion and love. And I get to eat with all 5 of them tomorrow. I am not at all confident that I am understanding things correctly, however. I screwed it up before and can do so again so I’m really looking forward to tomorrow’s breakfast where maybe Richard can shake some of the nonsense out of me if need be. There’s been a lot to process these last 4 days and I still be a little bit traumatized. (Message 14985) Aug 1, 2013 Re: Day 13 Posted By: Jonathan Hello ejcol336, I didn’t bring up global warming. They did. They may had ulterior motives for doing so. This is what they have told me hence. I have no reason not to believe them. In the end, I gleaned a very important aspect of my psyche from the topic. I would rather not bring up scientific testing. I suppose it would interest me to learn that Richards heart rate picks up or certain EEG activity that has shown to have some correlation to fear picks up or that certain skin reactions occurs that have a correlation with subject-described emotions. But it wouldn’t change the fact that Richard, Vineeto and Peter are utterly harmonious with each other, myself and Srid as well as everyone we’ve come into contact with since I’ve been with them. I think it might benefit the world if Richard, Vineeto or Peter volunteered their time and energy in complex experiments with certified scientists. But it might also not. Who knows how people would take the information or how the scientists would present it. At any rate, it’s their time and energy. I don’t think we need to know the difference between Richard’s brain activity and a normal persons. It is enough for me that Richard diagnoses human violence and misery in a completely new way and lives what he preaches. If it helps, Richard has been diagnosed with alexithymia, anhedonia, depersonalization and one other severe mental disorder. It is amazing he is such a highly functional citizen. (Message 14998) Aug 1, 2013 Re: Day 12 Posted By: Jonathan RESPONDENT No. 15: “I don’t see that as dissociation at all. To be 100% honest, it sounds like you’re getting brain washed over there” JONATHAN: It was disassociation because I had to re-associate in order to get back to normal. I had to gather up all the emotions which were all over the place and identify with them again. Embarrassment was by far the greatest one. I remember it as being mostly on my skin and I had to see those skin based physical sensations as being something unusual to normal experience and therefore a thing to look at more closely. I soon saw them for what they were, embarrassment. I then had to gather up the courage to fully admit this to myself and then even more courage was required because I then had to take on the embarrassment and let myself fully feel it. If I were being brainwashed then I would be feeling feelings which were put there by the brainwasher. I will look out for that, thank you. RESPONDENT No. 15: Hi Jon At this point I’d like to remind you of what you wrote a few days ago: Jon: “I had spent the previous 10 days getting happier and happier and on Day 11 when everything was set up for a transformation, I backed out. But the only problem was I didn’t know I backed out. I still don’t recall a single conscious decision I made. In fact, the only conscious decision I remember is a decision to plough full steam ahead.” Hi No need to beat yourself up so. You spent 10 days getting happier and happier. It sounds to me you mistook a PCE for actual freedom, and were disappointed when it slipped away. I’ve had a gazillion PCEs and when they slip away it’s hard to detect it at first, and you start identifying with the sense of clarity and spaciousness and cling to them as it slips, and its only when you are forced to acknowledge that suffering has crept back in that you finally admit to yourself that it’s over. I don’t see that as dissociation at all. To be 100% honest, it sounds like you’re getting brain washed over there (which is more about your willingness to be brainwashed than it is about anyone else doing the brainwashing). I’m a bit worried for you. Maybe have a think about the degree of authority you’re investing in these actually free people. There’s probably also some cognitive dissonance going on. Take back your own independence. Try spending a day not seeing the actually free people as anything at all - not perfect, not with something to give you, some knowledge to impart, but just as people like yourself. Unwrap some of the social identification you’re wrapping around it all. Freedom should be freeing... not making you feel worse. If you’re feeling worse, you’re not becoming free. Why were you getting happier and happier until day 10? Maybe you weren’t taking others as such an authority at that point. Maybe you hadn’t surrendered your personal will to them and were trying to see things clearly, your own way? Maybe you were actually learning about freedom and not being browbeaten into taking on a new set of beliefs about how impatience isn’t the same as impatience, or that global warning is a furphy at that point. Independence is freedom. Best regards, JONATHAN: A gazillion PCE’s indicates unusually large number. It leads me to doubt your truthfulness and/or your diagnosis. For me, I know it wasn’t a PCE and I doubt very, very much it was an EE. I have since taken all my feelings completely on board and it feels much better than any of those previously misdiagnosed EE. There was a lot of pride in those so-called EE’s. And a fair amount of violence as I look back on them. With the feelings totally embraced, there may be pride, there may be shame, sorrow, malice, love, etc. But it is also a wholesomeness because the identity is caring for itself. So there is a very soft feeling involved. One could call it friendliness. Jon (Message 15004) Aug 2, 2013 Day 15 Posted By: Jonathan Vineeto and Richard picked us up at 10. We went to Cherry-cafe. Srid and I planned it so I was going to buy breakfast. Yet after we ordered, still unused to paying before the meal, I decided to fix up the tables because they were wet and Srid got distracted by a mother and her baby and though he saw Richard taking out his wallet and counting the bills, he wasn’t able to react in time. Before the bill was paid, I remembered, almost in the nick of time, that you have to pay at the register and rushed back inside but Richard had already counted the bills out and handed them over despite my protestations. This is truly a remarkable thing. One could say that Richard knows he has the money so he pays. But that isn’t accurate. Of course, he has the money but he’s only middle class or below it and he is saving up for two separate projects each of which will require more than double what he currently owns. Almost everyone else I know would be thinking about that in the back of their mind but Richard acts like a kid who just pulled an innocent prank. You could also say that he likes to pay because it makes him look good. I don’t get that sense either because their is no smugness. To the point that he doesn’t care about his reputation: Over dinner, we were talking about the kerfuffle regarding the woman from another continent. And this was the 2nd or 3rd time, the story was brought up. It was I who brought it up this time because I wanted to know why he didn’t just come out with the full truth. I asked why he protects the identity and private emails of people who are perpetuating falsehoods against him. I said that he has a right to defend himself. He said that it’s not because of any moral principle. I said that it will be good for peace on earth if people know the truth. He said that it will all come out anyway and he doesn’t want to hurt the principle party involved. That person, he said, is hurt enough and will eventually come to her senses. I asked if that was a strategic move on his part. He said that it wasn’t but he did casually shrug in the affirmative when I said that it will make him look even better for not exposing things right away. He reiterated that he was protecting the feelings of someone who was already quite hurt and that would only exacerbate her feelings. Other times on this trip, Richard has said things that would embarrass most people. Peter and Vineeto have talked about their former relationship, including an intimate detail in passing and in no cases do either of these people show the least bit of shame. I sometimes get from Peter that he is withholding something but that is probably because I am unwilling to pry: If people don’t come out and say a thing about their past or future plans then, as a rule, I leave it at that. Because Peter doesn’t come out and explain ABCDEFG.... I probably project my own reluctance to pry onto him as a reluctance to reveal on his part. In other words, I create a phantom Peter. At this point, it’d be good to tell the story of Peter’s grief and lack thereof. The first day we met Peter, he told us that his son had committed suicide because a girl had rejected him. And he wanted to do something so that other people wouldn’t take their own lives like that. In saying this, Peter had no pity or sorrow. Another time, Vineeto casually said “Peter knows all about grief.” And Peter musingly shook his head and then he looked up at Vineeto and they both laughed heartily. Twice Richard has said that there are only two solutions to rid oneself of the human condition and that was dropping the identity or committing suicide and then gave a figure like 40 million people have done so in the last 100 years: You know how Richard is full of figures. He takes great delight in numbers. In both instances, Peter didn’t bat an eye. My point is that none of these people feel sorrow nor malice nor pride nor love nor compassion nor shame. Here are some of the things I learned yesterday and this morning. Since arriving, I was mixing felicity with pride and then rejecting shame. Here it was easy because i was super excited to be here. i could just push bad feelings to the periphery, usually right on the skin and focus on sensate delight, excitement and confusing pride (at progressing nicely) with happiness. And pride is what got me. Back home, i had been covering shame up with pride and focusing on things and attitudes which made me either prideful or gave me sensate delight and, it turns out, sensate delight gave me pride because i thought i was better than other people for progressing on a worthy and special path.. once again i was mixing the two. r. said that my description of the self not being the body and that only the body will remain when I die was correct. He added that many people get it confused. They think that ‘i’ am the flesh and blood body which is how i approached it for the first several months of practicing and I don’t think I ever got rid of that notion: I just stopped thinking about explicitly in that vein. But the self is separate from the physical body and when I die it will only be the body that remains. (Of course, there will be memories and talents but they will just be points of fact --- though they will be considered wonderful just like everything else) The trio agree that actualism works best in the marketplace which is why the mailing list is superior to a moderated forum. ‘i’ am beginning to come to grips with the fact that ‘I’ will never be free. The body will be free of ‘me’. I am slowly understanding that I will never be superior to anyone else. I can never honestly say to myself ever again that I am a winner or a special person or ever honestly feel that I am winning at life or anything like that ever again. That illusion has been popped forever. There is the winning/loosing dichotomy and there is the hateful/loving instincts. And there is felicity. Of all the feelings you can feel, felicity is the only one that has no opposite and that is one way to identify it. I am realizing that the winning/loosing dichotomy is an illusion based on a feeling that ‘i’ am eternal along with many other eternal principles and that ‘i’ have to align myself with those eternal principles including gross ones like work ethic and fine ones like compassion. I must continue to recognize it as an illusion for the sake of happiness and harmlessness. The hateful/loving instincts are unnecessary and counterproductive. They are the reasons for war. So no point going down that road either. After that dichotomy and those instincts there is only the physical world including our fellow human beings. It is in this world that one can notice and appreciate felicity. (See also Richard’s post 15041 – 4/8/2013) (Message 15023) Aug 3, 2013 Important Correction Posted By: Jonathan In my last post, i said i was staying with my angst while getting to wonder through realizing how fantastic the physical world is. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO!!! One needs to be happy and then feel with all ones being that life is fantastic. One doesn’t divide oneself into the feeler and the cerebral. Please double check this from the AFT. It may have come from the horse himself but you can read the horse’s words nearly exactly as he would have said them to me. (Message 15037) Aug 3, 2013 Re: important correction Posted By: Jonathan Jon: In my last post, i said i was staying with my angst while getting to wonder through realizing how fantastic the physical world is. THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO GO!!! One needs to be happy and then feel with all ones being that life is fantastic. One doesn’t divide oneself into the feeler and the cerebral. Please double check this from the AFT. I may have come from the horse himself but you can read the horses words nearly exactly as he would have said them to me. Here are the specific passages I am referring to and specific parts of the AFT to explain my correction. I hope I am linking the pertinent pages. It should be clear to everyone that I am still learning the site and the method. [quote]: Since arriving, I was mixing felicity with pride and then rejecting shame. Here it was easy because i was super excited to be here. i could just push bad feelings to the periphery, usually right on the skin and focus on sensate delight, excitement and confusing pride (at progressing nicely) with happiness. And pride is what got me. Back home, i had been covering shame up with pride and focusing on things and attitudes which made me either prideful or gave me sensate delight and, it turns out, sensate delight gave me pride because i thought i was better than other people for progressing on a worthy and special path. once again i was mixing the two. [endquote]. On the last day, we talked a about pride. We had a useful theological and semantic discussion but it his point about patting yourself on the back which is most pertinent here. He said that feeling beings inner dialogue is quite self-critical. So it is a very good idea to pat yourself on the back whenever it will promote felicity or get you feeling excellent so you can move on to wide eyed wonder. So if you are a salesman and just made a big sale, pat yourself on the back with the aim of increasing your current happiness so you can on move to feeling excellent and then to wide eyed wonder. That is what I took from his comments though I have a history of not understanding his words all that well. In trying to research the site, I find that Peter has a chapter on pride in which he admonishes the feeling. Yet Richard highly recommends ‘patting yourself on the back.’ This isn’t a contradiction. They both agree. In fact, Peter’s last words to me were “pat yourself on the back once in a while.” So ferreting out how the two ideas do not contradict each other is an excellent spot to learn more about the site [quote]: “After that dichotomy and those instincts there is only the physical world including our fellow human beings. It is in this world that one can notice and appreciate felicity.” [endquote]. This is also from my day 15 post. It is also incorrect. Here are some links from the AFT site. [quote]: Sensuousness “The reason I make this point is that if someone focuses on this latter aspect of coming to one’s senses and ignores the first and foremost aspect of the actualism method – removing the obstacles to being as happy and as harmless as is humanly possible in this moment – then they are ignoring the crux of what actualism is all about and may well be doing nothing other than treading the well-worn traditional path of denial and dissociation.” [endquote Peter SC: sensation]. I believe that is what I was doing when I was focusing on sensate delight to get out of feeling bad during the last third of the trip. Sensate and Sensuousness [link to AF Library, Sensuous] Please read in these words the joy and wonder from which they were written. Peter, Richard and Vineeto mean these words literally and lived that wonder and joy each moment I was with them. (Message 15039) Aug 5, 2013 Re: To Jon and Claudiu... On dissociation Posted By: Jonathan RESPONDENT No. 15: I’m trying to get my head around this point and find it rather unclear ... Can either of you explain exactly what the dissociation is that I apparently missed in Jon’s day 11 report? Is the idea that unless we can fully see how we are our feelings, there must be dissociation occurring? I can only think this relates to the central tenet that I am my feelings... I just don’t see how figuring out the social identity, feeling happier day by day, feeling freer etc can be dissociative ... It doesn’t seem to make any sense. If one is aware of the feeling of being when it is present, and in the instances where it is briefly nowhere to be found, can one still be said to be dissociating? Best regards JONATHAN: Hi No. 15, You write: Can either of you explain exactly what the dissociation is that I apparently missed in Jon’s day 11 report? JONATHAN: Claudiu remarked: It’s really interesting how often this seems to be happening – thinking that one has just done it – and how good Richard, Vineeto, et al are at figuring out that it didn’t. e.g. noticing that what you had done was slink away from the group (and you say you were contemplating leaving) instead of become actually free as you thought. Vineeto said that my lack of engagement was a clue. Richard said that when one experiences an actual freedom or (presumably) temporary freedom as in a PCE, one can’t possibly keep it to oneself. He may have also said that pure intent is more vibrant than the so-called stillness I kept referring to. I don’t think he used the word ‘vibrant’ specifically but that’s the gist as I remember it. Vineeto also said that, as I reported in message 14942 between day 11 and day 12 in which I describe having to find the stillness, one doesn’t have to re-find anything in out-from- control: It is always apparent. And (presumably – putting words in Vineeto’s mouth) had it been a PCE, i wouldn’t have described the next morning like this: “Opened up eyelids this morning without the stillness and without that excitement and/or happiness one needs to get to wonder. I’d call the feeling a mixture of nice, while alternately mildly disconcerted into confidence. 5 minutes later, I threw off the covers and got up. Made a post and then walked the streets. I actually got caught in the rain but it was only a moderate drizzle. By the time, I reached main street and river street, I had re-found the stillness.” I’m not totally sure why a person who fell out of a PCE and back into the real world wouldn’t describe it in this way and I’d rather not speculate. I do remember a 10 minute time in a botanical garden back in 2010 which was way, way more alive than my experience on the boat. You wrote: Is the idea that unless we can fully see how we are our feelings, there must be dissociation occurring? JONATHAN: I think so. You wrote: I just don’t see how figuring out the social identity, feeling happier day by day, feeling freer etc can be dissociative ... It doesn’t seem to make any sense. If one is aware of the feeling of being when it is present, and in the instances where it is briefly nowhere to be found, can one still be said to be dissociating? JONATHAN: I’m not sure. I am confident that actual freedom and pure consciousness (sentience unfiltered by a feeling being) is different from feeling free but I’m not sure if that was just word choice on your part or what. I will venture that there is a vast difference between the “instances where it (the feeling being) is nowhere to be found” and pure consciousness: The latter is directly experiencing infinity and purity and the former is experiencing the lack of a single, a couple, or a few obstructions that have always denigrated ones mood in the past. This was my experience the following day: “I took a walk and began to see that they were right but couldn’t quite get myself to believe it. I was feeling both good and lousy. The lousy part didn’t seem real. It wasn’t until I went back to the lodge and talked it over with Srid that I saw that the primary emotion was embarrassment and the embarrassment was felt on the skin rather than in the heart let alone accepted by the mind. As it weird as it sound, my identity didn’t feel embarrassed. I felt good but I recognized an embarrassment. It was like an ugly dog following me that was legally mine though I didn’t accept responsibility. I felt the embarrassment on the skin and only occasionally would it roll into my body where I really felt it but even then it would retreat into the background where I could disown it again. By the end of that talk with Srid, I was able to fully claim it. I am embarrassed. I was embarrassed because I was so sure of myself and I didn’t want to admit my fall from grace to other people.” I had to claim that embarrassment. I couldn’t just ignore it as a sensation on the skin or rationalize it as a mere intellectual disappointment as I did when I wrote in day 11: “And no one was convinced. Which was fine with me because everything was so perfect. It did seem, however, that I disappointed them. That they were expecting more and were disappointed that nothing else had happened. And I would have preferred that I didn’t disappoint them.” I do have opinions about Vipassana and Metta but they are only unschooled opinions so I’ll keep them to myself. (Message 15046) Aug 7, 2013 Days 16 and 17 Posted By: Jonathan On the last full day, the trio arranged a fish and chips excursion on a wharf. The idea was to eat out like old Englishmen. The wharf was on one of the hundreds of creeks in the area. This particular one flowed into the ocean and the wharf was near that spot. On the mouth of the creek before the creek enters the ocean is a beach. A lot of young families go there because there’s no riptide and the waves aren’t as high as they on a regular ocean beach. We parked and sat on a picnic table outside the fish and chips joint. There were many recreational boats on the wharf but no trawlers. It was Richard who remarked and speculated that the government may have put the fisheries out of business. He asked the restaurant where they got their fish and they said that it wasn’t local. Nonetheless, it was still a popular joint. It was a weekday and no industry in sight yet still a sizable queue. The whole group sat down on an old picnic table; Srid ordered everyone coffee. We engaged in small talk regarding the surroundings. There was a lawn sign for whale watching which I pointed out. Peter said. “Yes. They migrate up from Antarctica at so and so time of year.” He went on. “I was told by a chappy that there are 16,000 of them in the world.” He said again. “16,000.” He had already given us that figure during one of our eco-arguments. I was done pretending to know about ecology but I ventured a joke. “You must think that’s too much.” “Who’s to say what is too much. I was just astounded that there were that many. But what number is too much or too little?” “Well.” I said. “9 might be too few.” He did chuckle at that. I always take delight in making people laugh. I’m not great at it; my humour is too dry and I’m sometimes too desperate with it, other times too mean. And I don’t have access to accents and never learned how to spin a yarn. Now that I think about it, his chuckle could either have been a complimentary or exasperative. He may have been chuckling at the hyperbole or at my inability to “get it”. A short while thereafter, Vineeto remarked how fascinating a particular thing was. I was eager to learn something so I hijacked her thread: “What I find fascinating is that the ‘i’ am just a feeling.” I was still coming to terms with that fact. It still seems odd to me that when someone irritates me ‘i’ can go from being happiness to hostility. If ‘i’ only knew that ‘i’ had just been happiness, ‘i’ would obviously choose to remain happiness. The website probably has more to say on this. After I said this, Richard said “ummmmmmm” which I’ve gathered from my time with him is that’s his choice way of being non-committal. It’s quite a useful tactic. I’ve found myself employing it on the trip. It gives credence to what the person says without either validating it or rejecting it. He is basically saying “i am listening but reserving comment for the time being.” I continued. “It is amazing to me that there is this Self which is only a feeling and that there is a physical world.” My previous day write up reported that I was using the physical world to get me out of bad feelings. Richard said. “The physical world is the affective faculty. When the Self leaves the body, the physical world disappears also. There is an actual world but the physical world is affective.” Vineeto said. “In the actual world, 16,000 whales isn’t too few.” I think she meant that it isn’t too few, too many or just the right amount. Or she may have meant that in the actual world one doesn’t have opinions about things they haven’t studied in depth with an objective independence. I don’t know exactly what she meant by that but I remember being a bit irked that she didn’t get my joke. I asked. “Is that tree in the actual world.” Richard said. “I see the actual tree.” He had become quite firm at this point. “I don’t understand how you can spend $4k and fly half way around the globe without reading the website. It baffles me each time it happens.” I said. “It baffles me too.” I was truly embarrassed that I was so incompetent as to not read the thing top to bottom several times before spending all that money and time. There was silence for a few minutes. And I remembered why I didn’t read the website. I didn’t read it because it’s impossible to take seriously without meeting the authors themselves: There is simply too much new information. Of course, having written that, I see how preposterous it is. I take the authors seriously enough to travel here but not their actual words. Looking at the thing now, I see that I was unable to read the website because I didn’t believe it. I tested out what I was able to easily comprehend but I couldn’t accept most of it. But I did hold out hope that it was genuine. Now I see how more economical it would have been to take the thing as sincerely as possible, even when difficult to do so, for experiments sake. Instead, I took the lazy way out and just hoped it was genuine for my own well- being. This is kind of strange but it may be useful to hypothesize as to why no one (save one and possibly two) have been able to become actually free without meeting Richard first. Richard also made the point. “You are only revealing your own ignorance.” I replied after a long silence. “For the record, I don’t mind revealing my own ignorance.” “Yes.” He said. “But you lead people astray. They think you are getting it from the horse’s mouth.” I said. “People ought to know by now that I don’t know what I’m talking about.” Richard gave another deep “ummmmm” At this point, I was holding it together but inside I was becoming quite angry. Richard had just called me out and then forcefully made an obvious point. He never explained why he was forcefully telling me what I already knew: the actual world is like another dimension; the physical world has a membrane that covers the actual world; the self is that membrane. And I didn’t see why he insulted me in the process. I tried to make the best of the rest of the afternoon. I was defensive and angry and stayed with those feelings. In other words, I began practicing the method incorrectly once again. I stayed with those feelings and focused on the magic of the physical world. After lunch, we drove from the food shack over a bridge to the mouth of the river. We walked over the beach to where a large wall of rocks had divided one part of the river from another part. On one side of the rocks was the beach. On the other side the river went inland and across the river was a reserve. The four of them took seats on the rocks and I took a brief walk to examine the river going inland. I would have liked to have been by myself but I knew time was precious and wanted to be with the trio as much as possible. Richard was in a crouching position. Both feet were firmly on the rock, his knees bent down as far as is possible and his butt was about two inches above the rock. He was at utter ease without any pretence. He was picking at his teeth with a toothpick and his eyes were both glassed over yet darting. He looked both like a monkey and a wiseman. That was the first moment that I saw him as totally vibe-less. It is the first time I have ever seen anyone as completely autonomous. (I use their word because it is the apt for how I experienced him at that moment) And that is strange because I was still very angry with him. Later that evening, Srid and I went out for dinner. Srid was very inquisitive. And it was good luck that we were able to have a talk. We didn’t go out each evening. Only about half the free evenings did we spend any time together and not all of those contained productive talks. But this talk was, for me, one of the most productive I had with anyone ever. I explained to him that i was angry and confused. I didn’t understand from where Richard was coming from. The whole point of the exchange seemed merely an exercise to piss me off. Eventually, we hashed it out and we agreed that I would bring it up tomorrow and that maybe I was misapplying the method. That night, I thought it over a good long while and agreed with Srid. You are to feel excellent first and then turn that into fascination at the physical world which leads to wide eyed wonder and then naiveté. I was using the physical world to improve my mood rather than improving my mood firstly. To do the latter is to divide oneself into two, hence, Richard insisting that I understand that the physical world is affective. The next day, despite finally understanding why Richard had been quite firm, I noticed that I was still quite angry. After investigation, I saw that I blamed them not realizing that I was faking it right from the get-go. I blamed them for not being good teachers and thought they should have known since they have plenty experience with it. Some of that anger dissipated as soon as I saw Peter in his car. Some more dissipated when I saw Richard and Vineeto sitting at the table. The rest dissipated after coming up with an (unnecessarily) clever way to broach the subject of happiness before fascination. I gave an anecdote about how 24 months ago, I was driving in my car and saw that when one is happy, one automatically appreciates the physical world. And that it was funny that I knew that 24 months ago but was just finding out it again today. They chuckled and I had let myself off the hook: I broached the subject without explicitly bring it up. And I also instantly dropped all animosity towards them. Even if dignity doesn’t factor into their minds and even if I know that concern for reputation is miles away from naivete, I am still glad that i was able to broach the subject with some class. It may have been equally critical to my suddenly elevated mood that I was seeing all 3 of them, especially Richard, as totally vibe-less. That lunch may be my favourite get-together of the trip. I was able to ask questions and engage in dialogue without fearing reprisal. Throughout the trip, I was either secretly angry at them or fearful that they would pull the rug from under me at any moment. On the last day, full of gratitude that I had learned so much from them and knowing that there was nothing that they could bestow upon me, I was able to let my hair down. In one part of the lunch, we were talking about past visitors and future visitors and they indicated that they may not take any more. I said. “You shouldn’t take anyone who isn’t already VF. Perhaps, you should provide a questionnaire.” They laughed and Peter said. “We considered that but they would just treat it like an open book test.” I said. “perhaps you should only see people who’ve had multiple PCE’s.” They thought that was a good idea because only 1 person has ever gotten AF without multiple PCE’s. We talked about that person. It’s the woman of Indian birth. Because of her quick freedom, they began taking more visitors: If she could do it so quickly then maybe many people can but the last 6-7 visitors left without AF and some left without anything at all. They then asked if it was worth it for me. Was it worth the $4k I spent? I told them it was well worth it. I told them that even if I had incurred $100k debt, it’d be worth it. They were very pleased to hear that. I then listed the 3 things I learned. I counted them out. 1) the method 2) i popped a hole in my superiority complex and 3) I learned all about dissociation. In fact, however, there are 5 more things I learned. I had a few moments where time dropped away; so i acquired some experiential knowledge on that critical detail. I learned about their personalities so I can now read the website better. I have a greater understanding of “‘i’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. All of these are, of course, related to each other. I understand actual intimacy much better. I learned not to love my dog. I can and will continue to take care of him, just as before. But I’m not going to love him anymore, or rather, i will use the method to minimize my love for him while maximizing any felicitous feelings he may bring about. We talked a bit about Tarin and that AF crowd. I’m not at liberty to say much about it because I only have permission to report what they say about themselves. But I can say that I think I spotted a glint in Richard’s eye. I think he thinks that not only is the whole kerfuffle thing quite fun but that Tarin and the AF crowd’s insincerity is quite funny. And I think that he is confident that things will work themselves out. Richard often talks about the etymology of sincerity. I forget precisely what he said but I do remember him saying that it had something to do with a thing being near the original and my brief research says: [quote] from sincerus “sound, pure, whole,” perhaps originally “of one growth” (i.e. “not hybrid, unmixed”), from sem-, sin- “one” + root of crescere “to grow” [endquote]. Somehow we got to talking about poker. Vineeto said that going back I will be a much better poker player if I continue to employ the method. Richard mentioned that that very morning he had briefly thought of possible occupations he would pursue if he needed to earn a living. He said that if he were a woman, the choice would be obvious. But it got him thinking about being a gigolo and he realized that he could give women, especially trophy wives, the one thing they most desired. And he added that he would be doing what he does best. Peter burst out laughing. We all did but Peter nearly broke a rib. Peter said. “You would have to dial it down a few hundred notches.” It was then that I truly got the joke. I thought Richard was simply being boorish and that, in itself, would have been funny. But no. He wasn’t being boorish. He was saying that his specialty is intimacy and trophy housewives, in particular, are most desirous of that specialty. Before we drove off, Richard clarified consciousness for us. He said that consciousness is the state of being sentient. Adding that all animals are sentient because they have the 5 senses. Trees, though alive, are not sentient. He said that pure consciousness is the state of being sentient without an affective filter. I thought that was a wonderful bookend to our trip and said that Srid and I should take a cab just to preserve it. Despite the joke, both cars drove us to the airport. I drove with Peter and Srid with Vineeto and Richard. Peter asked. “What happened between yesterday and today? Yesterday, Richard was quite firm with you. Did anything happen between then and today?” I told him that Srid and I had a conversation at dinner and I rambled in an unconcise way, bringing up irrelevant details that had to be explained. I remember thinking that I had to impress Peter. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Just the typical need I have to look good in front of other people. In exercising it, I wasted a precious last opportunity to clarify the method. It was one of my last moments with a member of the trio and there I sat thinking about my reputation. I behaved similarly on a number of occasions during this trip. I cut off Richard more than once. It seems odd to travel half the globe to meet a man from whom you want to learn and then cut him off. One of those times was at Bungawalbin when he was talking about a non-consensual point which he views to be factual and I interrupted him to make my point. I really wished I heard him out. They parked their cars and walked us into the airport where they waited for us to check in. I was very surprised that they didn’t just drop us off. I expected them to get out of their car and hug us good buy but not a prolonged farewell. I told them. “You could have just dropped us off. You didn’t have to do all this.” Richard said. “There’s nothing like an airport farewell.” I hugged Vineeto first. she held on to me very tightly, for almost a minute. I then hugged Richard briefly. That whole afternoon, he was utterly vibe-less. His lips were up curled and his eyes were full with concern both darting at us and all around. He looked like from another world. I then hugged Peter and he said in my ear, “pat yourself on the bag now and then.” and laughed. Srid and I met up at the Sydney airport and got a hotel room together. We went to bed at the same time but I left much earlier than him. We briefly ran into each other at the airport while my plane was boarding. We hugged goodbye. (Message 15054) Actual Freedom Homepage
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