# Actual Freedom – Mailing List ‘D’ Correspondence

Richard’s Correspondence On Mailing List ‘D’ with Claudiu / Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem (please make sure “java-scripting” is enabled in order for the tool-tips to function properly; mouse-hover on the yellow rectangular image to open; left-click on the image to hold). On Being Less Anonymous CLAUDIU: Hello everyone, I’ve decided that instead of being known only as ‘Respondent No. 26’ on the Actual Freedom Trust website, I’d like to be known by my real first name, Claudiu, instead. The reason for this is that I see how much we feeling-beings influence each other, and if having my real first name prominent would increase the impact of reading about how I had my life turned around by visiting Richard in April 2012 then I am only too happy to help. In order to further stress just how much I thought I knew what actualism was about and what an actual freedom from the human condition was, before April 2012, and how wrong that turned out to be, I’d also like my name unambiguously linked with my Dharma Overground screen name, ‘Beoman Claudiu Dragon Emu Fire Golem’. A list of the posts I’ve participated in on that forum can be found here if anyone would care to go through the archives:. I would advise not taking anything I said about actualism or actual freedom before April 2012 on that forum as being too accurate. I’ve already written Vineeto and provided my request & permission for my name to be used instead of ‘Respondent No. 26’ on the Actual Freedom Trust website, and she has already done a quick job of de-anonymizing my name in the correspondences & indices. I’ve also asked that she put this very (at that point yet-to-be-written) email on the top of my correspondence page so that everybody can indeed see that it was done with my explicit permission. Hehe, this is pretty exciting. - Claudiu (Message 12916, 15 January 2013) January 24 2016 Re: The Intimate Ambiance Experiment Audio Recordings CLAUDIU: Beware! The following recording is yet more tangible evidence that the actualism method works. Take care before listening because it may require you to actually do something about the human condition you find yourself in. • Time: 2016-01-22 - 1629 GMT • Duration: 0:53:28 • Participants: Alan, Claudiu • Links: • High Quality [https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B8ppVrh-gr5AQ0J2Rk5fV2hTRE0]. • Low Quality [https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B8ppVrh-gr5AM0I1WkJEeUoyMlE]. • Topics: • Alan downgraded from perfect to excellent • currents • claudiu’s resentment/unease/annoyance • claudiu wins the selective memory recall race by a short head • it feels good to feel good • defragmenting • an extension of human memory • the resentment is gone • how to successfully apply the method • Alan recites Tabashantaw • an English literature lesson • time and space • the actual world is utterly safe Cheers, Claudiu (Message 21747). RICHARD: G’day Claudiu, Ha ... your ‘Beware!’ and ‘Take care’ forewarnings – about how it ‘may require you to actually do something about the human condition you find yourself in’ – certainly caught my attention (such as to download the audio file and begin listening via ear-phones). Howsoever, I ceased listening after twenty minutes or so because the conversation as recorded did not appear to live up to the impression your exclamatory intro conveyed. I have transcribed the portion I did listen to – duly time-stamped for ease of reference – so as to have something on the table, so to speak, for any corresponding discussion. (Please note I cannot vouch for 100% accuracy in regards every single word and every time-stamp). Viz.: [Claudiu; 00:01]: ‘Hi, Alan ... <pause> ... I don’t hear anything from you’. [Alan; 00:08]: ‘... <indistinct mumbles> ...’. [Claudiu; 00:10]: ‘Ah, there we go’. [Alan; 00:08]: ‘Ah, that’s fine’. <rustling sound> [Alan; 00:14]: ‘Hullo’. [Claudiu; 00; 15]: ‘You hear me?’. [Alan; 00:16]: ‘Yeah, that – that’s a problem, sometimes, if I don’t have the blue-tooth switched on in the headphones; when I manage[?] to answer the phone; I have trouble, anyway’. [Claudiu; 00:25 ]: ‘I was just think ...’. [Alan; 00:27]: ‘Yeah, I just thought of it; I just thought I <signal breaking-up> typing because I was just trying to think if I’m <signal breaking-up> you know <signal breaking-up> I know <signal breaking-up> type <signal breaking-up> but <signal breaking-up> of use <signal breaking-up> ‘. [Claudiu; 00: 41]: ‘Alan, you’re breaking up; are you on the wifi by any chance?’. [Alan; 00:43]: ‘Mm-mmm. Now, lets ...’. [Claudiu; 00: 48]: ‘...you were breaking up’. [Alan; 00:50]: ‘I’m still on wifi’. [Claudiu; 00: 59]: ‘Mmm’. [Alan; 01:02]: ‘Hullo’. [Claudiu; 01: 03]: ‘Hi’. [Alan; 01:03]: ‘Yeah. Umm ...’. [Claudiu; 01: 08]: ‘I was just saying, we are all on the limitation as to not talk any more than 12 hours a day because then you’ll not be able to listen to everything in the same day <chuckles> that it will be impossible to catch up’. [Alan; 01:17]: ‘Yeah, but when you are actually free I think you still need a bit of sleep, Claudiu <chuckles>‘. [Claudiu; 01:22 ]: ‘Oh, fair enough; fair enough’. [Alan; 01:25]: ‘You haven’t allowed for that in the shed [schedule?], I’m afraid <chuckles>‘. [Claudiu; 01: 27]: ‘Ah, yes ...’. [Alan; 01:28]: ‘And – and, you might need kip occasionally ...’. [Claudiu; 01: 31]: ‘Well...’. [Alan; 01:33]: ‘... you could listen while you eat – you could listen while you eat; while you’re cooking, you know ...um ...’. [Claudiu; 01:36]: ‘Yeah, yeah. Like I have my I-Phone with my headphones in so I can do anything ... that is, what doesn’t require hearing’. [Alan; 01:42]: ‘That’s true. There ... the only trouble is it stops you playing at – that’s what I’m finding ... I’m finding it more and more difficult to do two things at once ... umm ... ‘. [Claudiu; 01:49]: ‘Mmm’. [Alan; 01:51]: ‘... err ... like with at the moment I ... ah, no ... there was an example a minute ago where I-I’d write [light?] one stone [stove?] play [plain?] ... oh, I still haven’t got it finished ... erm ... and, err ... it was a bit – he was telling a story and I’d heard the story; it was to do with ... <background sound> you know, it was a <background sounds> anyway, I didn’t need to listen to it, really ...’. [Claudiu; 02:17]: ‘Yeah’. [Alan; 02:17]: ‘... err ... I was writing something at the same time and I-I couldn’t have that on in the background anymore – the same with the TV; I used to have the TV on in the background all the time ...’. [Claudiu; 02:27]: ‘Yep’. [Alan; 02:27]: ‘... and ... umm ... I-I want to devote a full hundred – it’s detracting from my full hundred percent – I think that is what it is. Anyway I think <signal strength fading>‘. [Claudiu; 02:35]: ‘Yeah, I noticed that, too, if I like do something else I realise I’ve heard the last thirty seconds of words but I don’t know what they said, and I have to go back because I want to actually hear what it said, you know’. [Alan; 02:47]: ‘Eh, it sounds like you might have experienced a little bit what I’ve been experiencing, isn’t it? It sounds a bit similar ‘. [Claudiu; 02:53]: ‘Yeah, <background sounds> I think <background sounds>‘. [Alan; 02:57]: ‘You’re dropping things all over the place’. [Claudiu; 03:00]: ‘I, erm, just opening a letter. Huh, speaking of doing two things at once’. [Alan; 03:03]: ‘Ahh, there you go ... err ... umm ... yeah, I mean ... eh-eh-eh ... since, since the ... err ... since the phone call finished, um, I’ve over slip [overslept?] in with timpathy [??] ... err ... ah, why I’m not fully enjoying and appreciating this moment alive – of being alive – and that was just one of the possibilities that came up, I guess, amongst others ... um ...’. [Claudiu; 03:30]: ‘I just ... I had ... the que ... what ... how are you feeling? Are you feeling good, great, okay, excellent?’ [Alan; 03:38]: ‘That’s a good question. Umm ...’. [Claudiu; 03:39]: ‘So we know where we are starting from’. [Alan; 03:45]: ‘Probably excellent, yeah’. {cont’d after next ...}. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Editorial Note: It is more than a trifle odd for someone who self-describes, publicly, on the same day as this recording (i.e., 22 Jan 2016 in Message № 21740) as being ‘out from control’ as per actualism lingo – as well as writing of having an ‘extensive experience’ of pure consciousness experiences (PCE’s), of having an ‘extensive knowledge’ of the actual freedom writings, of having ‘spoken extensively’ with Richard, and of being thus ‘well prepared’ for the ‘Intimate Ambience Experiment’ which these recordings are a product of – to not have a current-time awareness of how they are experiencing this moment of being alive, each moment again, when the primary descriptors of being out-from-control is that it is of the nature of either an ongoing, and thus constantly dynamic, excellence experience (EE) or a similarly dynamic intimacy experience (IE). In other words, someone genuinely out-from-control is constantly (i.e., consistently) ‘feeling excellent’, come-what-may, by the very nature of what that term refers to. Secondly, needing to pause so as to consider the above ‘how are you feeling’ question reveals a current-time lack of awareness as to how the protagonist being thus queried is experiencing this moment of being alive, each moment again, regardless of whatever that experiencing might actually be. Thirdly, for the protagonist to say they are ‘probably’ feeling whatever that experiencing might be indicates a distinct lack of ‘hands-on’ application of asking oneself ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ (i.e., such as to have it become ‘second-nature’ to be wordlessly aware, each moment again, just whereabouts on the entire affective scale one’s moment-to-moment experiencing is currently taking place). Furthermore, as feeling better than ‘feeling excellent’ implies ‘feeling perfect’, it is pertinent to note how a scant four minutes later (at the 07:55 minute mark below) the protagonist voluntarily provides a report of ‘feeling better now’ – i.e., feeling better than [quote] ‘probably excellent, yeah’ [endquote], that is – yet a mere seven minutes thereafter (at the 14:53 minute mark further below) there is the unsolicited report of ‘feeling really good again’ (which indicates a more accurate response to the above ‘how are you feeling’ question would be one of a ‘not feeling really good’ nature). Now, as the primary descriptors of being out-from-control is of it being in the nature of either a constantly/ consistently dynamic EE or IE then to be ‘not feeling really good’ of course implies ‘not being out-from-control’ at all. Moreover, as ‘not being out-from-control’ also implies ‘not having a near-actual caring’ either the real question is: just what state of being is it, then, which the protagonist is currently experiencing? A possible clue is to be found in a post from twelve days ago (12 Jan 2016; Message № 21544). Viz.: • [Alan]: ‘... given my history, I would definitely qualify as bipolar were I to place myself in the hands of the ‘sane’ psychiatrists (...)’. [endquote]. Now, whilst most certainly not being in the business of making amateurish psychiatric diagnoses – and especially not via email and chat message information – I do have more than a passing familiarity with both the hypomanic and manic phases characteristic of what is nowadays classified under some form of Bipolar Affective Disorder (BAD) through having lived with a woman of a hyperthymic temperament (hyperthymia as distinct from euthymia), for over a decade, plus interacting with more than a few persons officially diagnosed bipolar (a.k.a. ‘manic-depressive’) and, thus, under specialist treatment. Thus I do know it is possible to slip into a hypomanic state whilst illuding oneself that it fits the criterion for ‘out-from-control’ as per actualism lingo – and I especially know this via gradually talking a person so afflicted back out of it over time – and one of the hallmarks is the initial difficulty in ‘reaching’ such a person (they are ‘out of reach’ of normal discourse) due to the certitude such a state imbues. And therein lies the clue: the certitude of hypomania is no match for the certainty of the out-from-control way of being due to the latter being fuelled by pure intent (i.e., by actuality) – the former being a relatively mild delusory state born of the illusion of ‘being’ of course – and it was usually via appealing to the self-evident purity and perfection of the PCE that I could begin the process of successfully talking a person so afflicted back out it. (In my experience a person in the manic phase of bipolar is unreachable, period, and it is only through that most-unfortunate state wearing-off, of its own accord (with or without medication), that normal discourse may recommence). Incidentally, as there are warnings aplenty on The Actual Freedom Trust web site – about the likely danger of veering off into altered states (either of the spiritual or psychiatric variety) when one ventures beyond the norm ill-prepared – I have retired from talking any such person back out of those cul-de-sacs. End Editorial Note. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {... cont’d from before}. [Claudiu; 03:48]: ‘Ah, you’re only feeling excellent. That’s too bad <chuckles>‘. [Alan; 03:50]: ‘Yeah-yeah ... but I ... that’s not fully appreciate – that no longer for me is fully appreciating this moment of being alive’. [Claudiu; 03:56]: ‘Yeah, so you dipped from perfect – from feeling perfect to...’. [Alan; 04:00]: ‘Yeah ...’. [Claudiu; 04:01]: ‘... to feeling excellent’. [Alan; 04:02]: ‘... exactly, yeah, exactly’. [Claudiu; 04:04]: ‘That’s a good problem to have’. [Alan; 04:06]: ‘Yes, it’s an excellent problem to have. Well ... yeah, I understand what you are saying’. [Claudiu; 04:09]: ‘Yeah’. [Alan; 04:09]: ‘It’s a problem I want to ...um... it’s not a problem it’s a ... I want to fully appreciate this moment of being alive, again’. [Claudiu; 04:18]: ‘Yeah, makes perfect sense’. [Alan; 04:20]: ‘And-and I’m not at the moment. I know how truly I can appreciate; I’m not doing that at the moment’. [Claudiu; 04:28]: ‘Mmm ... yep’. [Alan; 04:30]: ‘Avoiding the trap – avoiding the trap of also trying to recreate how you were feeling a moment ago’. [Claudiu; 04:37]: ‘Are you taking it seriously, by any chance?’ [Alan; 04:41]: ‘No’. [Claudiu; 04:44]: ‘Perfect’. [Alan; 04:45]: ‘Eh, to use – yeah, I’m having a serious investigation, yes, to continue to double-up meaning’. [Claudiu; 04:53]: ‘Mmm’. [Alan; 04:54]: ‘Yeah-yeah, I mean I’ve been aware with that before when I’ve said ‘serious’, Claudiu, and I ... uh ... I don’t know if you’ve got any suggestions’. [Claudiu; 05:02]: ‘Sincere investigation? Genuine ...’. [Alan; 05:05]: ‘... oh, that’s good ...’. [Claudiu; 05:06]: ‘... [genuine] investigation?’ [Alan; 05:08]: ‘... yeah, sincere investigation, yeah. Yes! That’s much better. Thank you; I knew you could do it’. [Claudiu; 05:13]: ‘Alright ...’. [Alan; 05:14]: ‘We’ll never remember it ...’. [Claudiu; 05:15]: ‘...quite a broad step ...’ [Alan; 05:16]: ‘... we’ll never remember it, anyway ...’. [Claudiu; 05:18]: ‘... yeah’. [Alan; 05:20]: ‘... umm ... yeah, so that’s where I was and ... mmm ... never thought ... um, yeah, I knew it would be easy; easy to put it over in a few texts – texts, uh, so I suggest keeping ... umm ... did you get any farther with – where are you? Have you got...?’ [Claudiu; 05:40]: ‘Ahh, no ... no, I think they’re, um, how will I put it ... yeah, I didn’t feel ... umm, let me think ... yes, stopped feeling annoyed and resentful; I started on ... I was thinking ‘I’m feeling good’ but I think – it’s still sort of, uh, ahh, it’s like ... if it’s not fully clean, yet it’s still somewhere in the background ...’. [Alan; 06:10]: ‘Yeah ... but it will be – will be unless you have done something about it, of course’. [Claudiu; 06:17]: ‘Umm ... yeah, possibly, I mean ... is gonna ... I sorta, I sort of ... [Alan; 06:26]: ‘If you swept it under the carpet it’s gonna stay under the carpet until it next decides to have an outing. As you well know’. [Claudiu; 06:34]: ‘Ye...es ...’. [Alan; 06:36]: ‘Oh, you’re not agreeing with that fully? Uh, okay’. [Claudiu; 06:39]: ‘<typing sounds> Wait one sec ... [sotto voce] one sixteen ... <typing sounds> ... umm ...<typing sounds>’. [Alan; 06:42]: ‘We’ve talked about it <typing sounds> I’m sure we’ve said that <typing sounds> about sweeping a feeling under the carpet <signal breaking-up> ... you know...’. [Claudiu; 06:54]: ‘No I was thinking what I was ...’. [Alan; 06:56]: ‘... it’s not going to go away’. [Claudiu; 06:58]: ‘... I was thinking about what [name deleted] was saying – was voicing[?] about not getting worried about – about not getting the ambience back’. [Alan; 07:06]: ‘Oh, absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely, Claudiu, that’s not enjoying and appreciating this moment – as [name deleted] pointed out, eh’. [Claudiu; 07:11]: ‘Yeah, exactly, so I figured: ‘Okay, I won’t do that’, and then I noticed after we talked about everything, still – oh, you know, there’s still something there, but, I think the ... I dunno ... I think the – what I-I guess what my approach was to go with my day and if it comes up again, later ...’. [Alan; 07:29]: ‘Yeah, that’s a good plan ... yeah, that’s the other side to that which – as Richard said – because you swept it under the carpet it’ll rear its head again to give you another opportunity to ... to ... umm ... look at it’. [Claudiu; 07:42]: ‘Yeah, and then ...’. [Alan; 07:45]: ‘The more time – the more times it happens the, uh, the easier it-it becomes, if one wants it to’. [Claudiu; 07:50]: ‘Yeah, exactly; and ... um ...’. [Alan; 07:55]: ‘Yes, I’m feeling better – I’m feeling better now, Claudiu, yeah ...’. {cont’d next after ...}. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Editorial Note): A reminder, here, that ‘I’m feeling better now’ – i.e., feeling better than [quote] ‘probably excellent, yeah’ [endquote], that is – implies ‘feeling perfect’ as per actualism lingo. (End Editorial Note). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {... cont’d from before} [Claudiu; 07:59]: ‘Ah, that’s ...’. [Alan; 08:00]: ‘It wasn’t a – wasn’t a ... when the feeling ... it’s, uh, overall ... I can’t identify a feeling; its just an overall ... there’s something not right; not quite right. Yeah, that’s ... I think that-that’s exactly how I was last ... last ... I can’t see any bet <indistinct mumble>‘. [Claudiu; 08:20]: ‘If there’s ...’ [Alan; 08:22]: ‘... yeah?’. [Claudiu; 08:24]: ‘... no feeling causing it, then there’s no issue, so ... what about ... can ...’. [Alan; 08:27]: ‘Say again’. [Claudiu; 08:29]: ‘If it’s no feeling ... causing it then there’s no issue, so, wouldn’t that ... okay, I can explain it this way: what’s preventing you now, from feeling perfect. Like if you – you can choose to feel – its of ...’. [Alan; 08:44]: ‘Me, oh yeah, it’s me; it’s me that’s stopping it, Claudiu, I’m not trying to blame anyone else. I think what I’m trying to ... what I’m saying is, um ... more I’m postulating, I suppose, postulating ... I like that; it’s nice ... erm. If there – it could be, and I’m very aware of our previous discussions – could be the psychic web and I’m feeling someone else’s currents; which I’ll know, in a good enough place, to ... you came up with a good expression ... to-to ... to be able to appreciate that one is receiving them. Anyway, that doesn’t matter too much’. [Claudiu; 09:29]: ‘Yeah, if you’re not feeling – yeah, if you’re feeling okay it’s probably be ... too confusing to reliably determine it; I’d be saying you’d be able to ... since you’re feeling excellent’. [Alan; 09:39]: ‘I-I ... I’ve said this before and I ... that I cannot tell where it-it’s coming from by any means. I can’t even tell currents. You know I-I’m a little baby trying its first steps here, Claudiu. Umm ... I clearly I can’t identify the person ... ah, any person ... [Claudiu; 10:03]: ‘Yeah’. [Alan; 10:04]: ‘And what I’m suggest – I ... ahh, thanks – I suppose I’m suggesting that, now, I can’t identify the feeling, either’. [Claudiu; 10:11]: ‘Hmm ... [Alan; 10:14]: ‘How does that sound?’ [Claudiu; 10:09]: ‘Yeah, that sounds ... [Alan; 10:18]: ‘Ugh-err, I, eh, it comes as a general unease is, I think, the expression I used – a minute ago’. [Claudiu; 10:24]: ‘Yes, yes, I got you ... so you don’t; you can’t-can’t identify and pin-point the cause, yet? [Alan; 10:32]: ‘The cause – the feeling, or the person? Yeah, it might come, though I doubt it <indistinct mumbling>‘ [Claudiu; 10:37]: ‘Right, it-it ... I mean ...’. [Alan; 10:40]: ‘It makes a little bit of sense, actually, because if-if you imagine the psychic web and you sending ... say it’s you sending, and you come into it, it’s going to get, maybe a little bit confused – and I’m not talking out of experience, here; this is theory, speculating. Umm, maybe it gets a little bit confused on the way?’. [Claudiu; 10:55]: ‘Right’. [Alan; 10:59]: ‘Sort of thing. Sounds a bit daft, doesn’t it?’. [Claudiu; 11:03]: ‘No, I see what you mean’. [Alan; 11:04]: ‘Anyway ...’. [Claudiu; 11:05]: ‘Well, so one question is ... like if you think about ... so, what I was trying to get to, uh, earlier is if you think, right now, about allowing yourself to fully enjoy and appreciate the moment, something comes up. Is there any reason comes to mind? Just like if you’ve had your feeling tell you what it is, I guess. Sort of like ‘How am I...’’. [Alan; 11:24]: ‘Yes, it-it’s both or all three of us acknowledged that at the time; it was towards the end of the conversation ... um ... it’s been discussed ... but I haven’t listened to the conversation, yet, though’. [Claudiu; 11:42]: ‘Ah, so its ... something – something happened when you’re in a conversation ...’. [Alan; 11:44]: ‘Definitely, don’t you remember acknowledging that, no? [Claudiu; 11:46]: ‘Yeah, yeah’. [Alan; 11:47]: ‘Yeah, yeah. So that’s – there is something in there, and maybe I’ll get a bit more clues listening to it ... when I listen to it. It could be <indistinct mumble> oh, I love – I like, rather – your new style, by the way. Yeah, thank you’. [Claudiu; 12:02]: ‘I-I ... yeah, better size, alright’. [Alan; 12:03]: ‘Yeah ... and it saves the long file-name as I like to zoom’. [Claudiu; 12:08]: ‘Yeah, I got the, err, much shorter, now. So, maybe it’s something like, ah, attraction was not as nice as it could have been? So there’s sort ...’. [Alan; 12:14]: ‘No, there – it was brilliant for everyone. Well, it was certainly my experience that everyone was feeling it was brilliant. Erm ... I think ...’. [Claudiu; 12:26]: ‘Oh yeah ...’. [Alan; 12:27]: ‘... up to that point, yeah ...’. [Claudiu; 12:28]: ‘Yeah, yeah. Exactly, and then ...’ [Alan; 12:30]: ‘Uh-uh, there was a few moments where it got sincere. Thank you, that’s a good one, I think. Yeah, I’m gonna use that in the series so it’s got the other <indistinct mumble>. Umm ...’. [Claudiu; 12:40]: ‘Yes, yes’. [Alan; 12:36]: ‘Ahh ... really got sincere, at times, and ... hmm, ahh ... but it’s all a load of fun ... till then’. [Claudiu; 12:53]: ‘Yeah’. [Alan; 12:54]: ‘Alright, yeah ... uh ...’. [Claudiu; 12:55]: ‘And then it sort of, eh, fell down a bit’. [Alan; 13:00]: ‘Came back up a bit – came back up a bit, then went down a bit. In my experience’. [Claudiu; 13:04]: ‘Yeah, sounds about right. Hmm ... wonder if it’s me, then. Sort of still feeling ...’. [Alan; 13:17]: ‘Well-well, you said you swept it under the carpet ... so it’s still there’. [Claudiu; 13:19]: ‘Yeah, true ... so ...’. {cont’d next after ...}. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Editorial Note): The above ‘you said you swept it under the carpet’ assertion is not in accord with the recorded conversation further above as the particular exchange being alluded to is as follows. Viz.: [Alan; 05:20]: ‘[ ...] did you get any farther with – where are you? Have you got...?’ [Claudiu; 05:40]: ‘Ahh, no ... no, I think they’re, um, how will I put it ... yeah, I didn’t feel ... umm, let me think ... yes, stopped feeling annoyed and resentful; I started on ... I was thinking ‘I’m feeling good’ but I think – it’s still sort of, uh, ahh, it’s like ... if it’s not fully clean, yet it’s still somewhere in the background ...’. [Alan; 06:10]: ‘Yeah ... but it will be – will be unless you have done something about it, of course’. [Claudiu; 06:17]: ‘Umm ... yeah, possibly, I mean ... is gonna ... I sorta, I sort of ... [Alan; 06:26]: ‘If you swept it under the carpet it’s gonna stay under the carpet until it next decides to have an outing. As you well know’. [Claudiu; 06:34]: ‘Ye...es ...’. [Alan; 06:36]: ‘Oh, you’re not agreeing with that fully? Uh, okay’. [Claudiu; 06:39]: ‘<typing sounds> Wait one sec ... [sotto voce] one sixteen ... <typing sounds> ... umm ...<typing sounds>’. [Alan; 06:42]: ‘We’ve talked about it <typing sounds> I’m sure we’ve said that <typing sounds> about sweeping a feeling under the carpet <signal breaking-up> ... you know...’. [Claudiu; 06:54]: ‘No I was thinking what I was ...’. Although it is quite a feat to transform a response of ‘No I was thinking [about not getting worried about not getting the ambience back]’ – to a hypothetical question ‘If you swept it [feeling annoyed and resentful] under the carpet’ – into meaning ‘you said you swept it under the carpet’ a mere six minutes later it is nothing compared to having your co-respondent then say ‘Yeah, true’ (to that assertion) and thereafter proceed to shoulder some blame (see below) for that ‘general unease’ (as per the 10:18 minute time-stamp) which the assertor was [also] feeling during the recorded conversation some thirteen-and-a-half hours previous to this one (i.e., during the recording dated as ‘2016-01-22 - 1329 GMT’) (End Editorial Note). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {... cont’d from before} [Alan; 13:22]: ‘But-but, I mean, don’t – I mean I don’t get a hint of any blame in there, Claudiu, do you?’ [Claudiu; 13:29]: ‘Of blame ... [Alan; 13:29]: ‘Because that’s putting yourself down for ...’. [Claudiu; 13:34]: ‘Oh, it ...’ [Alan; 13:38]: ‘Because if it is ... you said – I can’t remember this phrase you used – but it implied ...’. [Claudiu; 13:39]: ‘Oh, maybe it’s ..’ [Alan; 13:38]: ‘...it definitely implied blaming yourself ...’. [Claudiu; 13:43]: ‘Oh, oh, oh ... ah ... hmm. Yeah, maybe ... let me think ...’. [Alan; 13:50]: ‘I could be wrong, there ...’ [Claudiu; 13:53]: ‘Yeah, at first I was going to deny it and I’m not sure ...’. [Alan; 13:55]: ‘Yeah’. [Claudiu; 13:55]: ‘... ah, let me think about it a bit – yeah, yeah, definitely blaming myself’. [Alan; 14:01]: ‘Right’. [Claudiu; 14:02]: ‘That’s least a little – not a lot ...’. [Alan; 14:03]: ‘Oh, that’s good ... that-that’s good. I’m always ...um... I’m always concerned when I say something like that whether it’s going to cause more problems by saying it than not saying it. Anyway, you said ...’. [Claudiu; 14:15]: ‘Yeah ... yes. But ...’. [Alan; 14:19]: ‘So you ...’. [Claudiu; 14:19]: ‘... not really ...’. [Alan; 14:22]: ‘... you’re back into the circle again by the sounds of it’. [Claudiu; 14:25]: ‘Right, well, I had never really left.. hehe ...’. [Alan; 14:26]: ‘Never left – well, that’s true ... well, you have, you ... at times, I think, I’d forgotten about it, or something. Yes ...’. [Claudiu; 14:34]: ‘Yeah, I am. Hmm ... alright, well I may as well as hold it down, eh ... hehe ... didn’t take...’. [Alan; 14:42]: ‘Didn’t take a lot of time; there’s no other time’. [Claudiu; 14:44]: ‘Oh yeah ... it’s a fair point. Arrghh ... yeah, it didn’t take too long to come up again at all’. [Alan; 14:53]: ‘And I’m feeling really good, again, Claudiu!’ [Claudiu; 14:54]: ‘Ahh, really’? [Alan; 14:55]: ‘Yep!’ {cont’d next after ...}. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (Editorial Note): A reminder, here, that to be ‘feeling really good again’ indicates that a more accurate response to the ‘how are you feeling’ question at the 03:30 minute time-stamp would be one of a ‘not feeling really good’ nature. In other words, something short of ‘feeling really good’ indicates, at best, ‘feeling good’ (i.e., sans the word ‘really’). Howsoever, the ‘feeling better now’ report from seven minutes earlier – at the 07:55 minute time-stamp – indicates feeling better than whatever precedes ‘feeling good’ (in order to advance from ‘feeling good’ to ‘feeling really good’ seven minutes later). Thus the [quote] ‘probably excellent, yeah’ [endquote] response was in lieu of articulating that which is of a ‘not feeling good’ nature. Now, as ‘feeling good’ is the bottom line in actualism practice, then that which precedes it is ‘feeling neutral’ (as per the ‘I can’t identify a feeling’ report, at the 08:05 minute time-stamp, perhaps). Howsoever, given the follow-up report of ‘a general unease’ (at the 10:18 minute time-stamp) then ‘feeling uneasy’ would likely be a more accurate response than the [quote] ‘probably excellent, yeah’ [endquote] reply given. To be carrying the feeling of ‘a general unease’ from some thirteen-and-a-half hours prior into this conversation – as evidenced by the ‘since the phone call finished’ words and such as to be ‘not fully enjoying and appreciating this moment’ (both quotes as per the 03:03 minute time-stamp much further above) – is a far cry from how the actualism process, as distinct from the actualism method, works in action as it is pure intent which is operating when out-from-control. (End Editorial Note). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ {... cont’d from before} [Claudiu; 14:56]: ‘Interesting, interesting. That’s good ... yeah, I’m actually feeling better now, too. Well the-the current ... not the current ... the feeling is still there, but now I’m feeling better about it’. [Alan; 15:12]: ‘Yeah, you changed the hedonic tone’. [Claudiu; 15:13]: ‘Yes! Right’. [Alan; 15:15]: ‘Well done’. [Claudiu; 15:17]: ‘Pat on the back’. <background sounds> [Claudiu; 15:24]: ‘Ahh-umm ... right. Well, there it is, just staring at me’. [Alan; 15:30]: ‘It’s staring you in the face? Where it was all the time?’ [Claudiu; 15:33]: ‘Yep ... its ... yep ... hmm-hmm ... hmm. Definitely ... there’s a reluctance to look at it. I don’t want to look at it’. [Alan; 15:47]: ‘Of course’. [Claudiu; 15:48]: ‘Which ... oh, that’s silly, too’. [Alan; 15:54]: ‘Is it?’ [Claudiu; 15:55]: ‘Well, intellectually, I get that it’s silly’. [Alan; 16:00]: ‘Yep’. [Claudiu; 16:01]: ‘But ... not emotionally, I suppose ...? [Alan; 16:05]: ‘That’ll do’ [Claudiu; 16:06]: ‘Hmm, yep. So, here’s what it is: I don’t like myself for having acted the way it did’. [Alan; 16:14]: ‘Oh, even worse, there’. [Claudiu; 16:15]: ‘Heh-heh’. [Alan; 16:16]: ‘Ha-ha’. [Claudiu; 16:16]: ‘Yes’. [Alan; 16:17]: ‘The good thing you’re finding it; it good that you’re finding it’. [Claudiu; 16:20]: ‘Yeah, much better to know that I don’t like myself rather than to not know that I don’t like myself’. [Alan; 16:25]: ‘How can you operate if you don’t know yourself?’ [Claudiu; 16:30]: ‘Yeah, well very poorly, heh-heh’. [Alan; 16:31]: ‘Yeah – eh – yeah; I didn’t know much more, of course’. [Claudiu; 16:33]: ‘Yeah, exactly’. [Alan; 16:34]: ‘Normally from poor to very good ...’. [Claudiu; 16:37]: ‘Heh-heh’. [Alan; 16:37]: ‘Not you-not you. I mean, I’m saying in general’. [Claudiu; 16:40]: ‘Yeah-yeah. I know’. <short silence> [Claudiu; 16:44]: ‘Okay ... so ... hmm ... well, it’s funny because yesterday evening ... I think-I think I was on the subway; I was seeing how ... such a very nice stand[?] ... sort of like: its just the human condition in action and I just happen to be one instance of it – the human condition – and there’s no ... there’s no real ... there’s nothing to really blame; it’s just ...’. [Alan; 17:10]: ‘Nope’. [Claudiu; 17:10]: ‘... it’s like-it’s like a puzzle to figure out, but ... it’s almost impossible ...’. [Alan; 17:15]: ‘Yeah ... when you parse a conversation when we came to filming we can name it as blind nature...’. [Claudiu; 17:20]: ‘Mmm ... I remember that’. [Alan; 17:29]: ‘Yeah ... yeah, and that – I think you are saying the same, yeah’. [Claudiu; 17:30]: ‘Ahh, yeah, so ... I’m not going to blame myself ...’. [Alan; 17:34]: ‘Heh-heh’. [Claudiu; 17:35]: ‘... any more’. [Alan; 17:37]: ‘No, never is, never, never’. [Claudiu; 17:38]: ‘Yeah. Because not only ... yeah, it doesn’t make any sense ...<tapping sound> to do that. It’s okay ... so, I had a reaction ... because, you know, human condition ... I wonder where that comes from initially ... maybe wanting ... wanting social validation ...’. [Alan; 18:08]: ‘Where what, exactly, comes from?’ [Claudiu; 18:09]: ‘Oh, the initial feeling I had of ... he didn’t get I was joking and then I felt uneasy’. [Alan; 18:20]: ‘So what ... was that ... are we naming that ‘resentment’?’ [Claudiu; 18:22]: ‘Well, it’s interesting because ‘resentment’ had-has more of a ... a ... harsh quality to it. At that time, I ... was only feeling uneasy’. [Alan; 18:33]: ‘Yeah, yeah ... I mean they’re all, um ... ahh ... symptoms isn’t the right word though ... <indistinct mumble>‘. [Claudiu; 18:40]: ‘Yes, so it’s basically I uneasiness and annoyance and resentment are all sort of very related in this – this thing ...’. [Alan; 18:48]: ‘Yeah, yeah ...’. [Claudiu; 18:49]: ‘... because I’m actually feeling resentment now ...’. [Alan; 18:53]: ‘Mmm’. [Claudiu; 18:55]: ‘... which is good to know’. [Alan; 18:59]: ‘That’s good’. [Claudiu; 19:00]: ‘Yes. Now, who am I resenting? Am I resenting you? Or myself?’ [Alan; 19:06]: ‘Or a general resentment; a resentment in general? [Claudiu; 19:08]: ‘Yeah, no it’s not the – it’s not in general’. [Alan; 19:10]: ‘Right’. [Claudiu; 19:11]: ‘It hasn’t ... I think – if I left this feeling to grow then it would turn into general resentment ...’. [Alan; 19:17]: ‘Yeah, of course’. [Claudiu; 19:18]: ‘It’s not fun to be resentful’. [Alan; 19:20]: ‘It grows on itself; that’s what happens’. [Claudiu; 19:27]: ‘Yeah ... hmm ..’. [Alan; 19:28]: ‘And it – I mean, that’s a theory until you take it or anyone else <indistinct mumble> that’s a theory: the resentment will grow on itself unless it’s outlet[?] ... just keep growing’. [Claudiu; 19:40]: ‘Yeah. <short silence> Ooh, and now there’s a feeling on top of it of ‘Oh, I can’t do anything about it’. [Alan; 19:46]: ‘Ha-ha ... well-spotted’. [Claudiu; 19:49]: ‘Ha-ha-ha. That’s funny; yeah that’s a pretty ... there has been a <indistinct mumble>. Well, it has come up a lot, anyway. <short silence> But I know I can because ...’. [Alan; 20:00]: ‘Because you’ve done it’. [Claudiu; 20:01]: ‘I’ve done it. And now there’s proof. I can’t even – I can deny it, but then I listen to ...’. [Alan; 20:08]: ‘Of course’. [Claudiu; 20:09]: ‘... the recording ...’. [Alan; 20:10]: ‘Yeah, I mean you ... you, uh-uh ... I am so cunning I can go to the length to say the recording has been made up; it’s not me that’s on there. I-I ...’. [Claudiu; 20:16]: ‘Yep-yeah’. [Alan; 20:19]: ‘... a similar sort of things have happened in real life ... I’m sure’. [Claudiu; 20:22]: ‘Yeah ...’. [Alan; 20:23]: ‘Not in this context, though. Obviously not’. [Claudiu; 20:24]: ‘Ah, that’s true. Hmm ...’. <silence> [Claudiu; 20:30]: ‘Ha, it’s funny, I’m going to go the whole gamut, so now I feel like I don’t wanna; I don’t want to do it – ha – I don’t want to resolve this any ... too much effort ...’. [Alan; 20:37]: ‘Only you can decide’. [Claudiu; 20:37]: ‘Yeah’. [Alan; 20:38]: ‘No-one else can decide’. [Claudiu; 20:43]: ‘Hmm ...’. <creaking sound> [Claudiu; 20:47]: ‘... but ... yeah ... it’s a – it’s an unpleasant feeling. Sorta like oh, I’m tired ...’. [Alan; 20:57]: ‘What-what <indistinct mumble> unpleasant feeling’. [Claudiu; 20:58]: ‘Ahh, that, um, it is all too much effort and ... you know, just go back ...’. [Alan; 21:03]: ‘Oh, alright’. [Claudiu; 21:03]: ‘... to ignoring it. Plus sweeping it under the carpet. I guess it’s my choice ...’. [Alan; 21:09]: ‘Oh, yeah ...’. [Claudiu; 21:10]: ‘...my choice ...’. [Alan; 21:11]: ‘I’ll try like all get-out ... he-he’. [Claudiu; 21:12]: ‘Actually, I’ll be back, I’m going to get some water ...’ [Alan; 21:19]: ‘Okay, yeah’. [Claudiu; 21:20]: ‘... won’t be a sec’. [Alan; 21:21]: ‘I need to top up mine as well, Claudiu ... yep’. <various background sounds> [Claudiu; 22:03]: ‘I have returned’. And this is where I ceased listening as I could not see how the conversation was likely to all-of-a-sudden change into what is conveyed by your exclamatory forewarnings. Furthermore, the above conversation, plus related emails posted on the Yahoo Groups forum, is reminiscent of Alan’s ‘Group Leader’ atmosphere – obviously quite a feel-good atmosphere (per favour the quasi-spiritual ‘oneness’ atmosphere generated by the ‘Human Potential Movement’ circa the second half of the previous century) – which prevailed for the first few days of last year’s foregathering here in Australia. As I got to witness the effects of that feel-good atmosphere I am not going solely by the spoken/ written word in my appraisal of how this current experiment is unfolding. Provided you do not take that atmosphere to be the genuine article – i.e., the ambience-atmosphere-milieu effect stemming from pure intent personified – and thus inadvertently move onto the path forged by the ‘Human Potential Movement’ then this experiment will, presumably, continue to be a lot of fun for all concerned. Regards, Richard. January 28 2016 Re: The Intimate Ambiance Experiment Audio Recordings G’day Richard, Something caught my eye on a second read-through of your latest email: • [Richard]: [...] the primary descriptors of being out-from-control is that it is of the nature of either an ongoing, and thus constantly dynamic, excellence experience (EE) *or a similarly dynamic intimacy experience (IE)*. [...] Now, as the primary descriptors of being out-from-control is of it being in the nature of either a constantly/ consistently dynamic EE *or IE*. [...]. [emphasis added]. Particularly, the mention of intimacy experience, as something distinct from an excellence experience, and yet being intimately related to that which is known as being out-from-control. Yet a google search through the Actual Freedom Trust site shows only three distinct phrases where you mentioning intimacy experiences, besides the above, all of which incidentally appear on your Selected Correspondence page regarding the Dynamic, Destinal Virtual Freedom: • [Richard]: Now, this pristine ambience is conducive to a sincere actualist activating their potential – albeit temporarily – as in some form of an out-from-control/ different-way-of-being (*to whatever degree of intimacy they be comfortable with at the time*). Furthermore, experience has shown that *these intimacy experiences* can be contagious, so to speak, for other sincere actualists also present as the atmosphere generated affectively/ psychically by the first to be out-from-control/ in a different-way-of-being can propagate a flow-on effect, on occasion. [emphasis added]. (List D, No. 14a, 4 December 2009). And: • [Richard]: An obvious out-from-control/ different-way-of-being virtual freedom is an on-going excellence experience (EE) *but an on-going intimacy experience (IE) may very well be the most likely state* as an EE, being so close to a PCE as to be barely distinguishable is not so likely to readily occur sooner rather than later. [emphasis added]. (List D, No. 12, 9 December 2009). And: • [Richard]: Fourth, as any being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of-being (and there are varying degrees *of such intimacy experiences*) implicitly requires pure intent – which renders the necessity for morals/ ethics/ values/ principles null and void – it is certainly not the territory a fledgling actualist (to use your phraseology) has any business venturing into precipitously. [emphasis added]. (List D, No. 12, 9 December 2009 a). To compare, Google provides 13 (non-unique) results for both <site:actualfreedom.com.au ‘intimacy experience’> and <site:actualfreedom.com.au ‘intimacy experiences’>, while providing 90 (non-unique) results for the same with ‘intimacy’ replaced with ‘excellence’. Could you go into more detail as to what intimacy experiences are, how they differ from excellence experiences, and what role they play in being out-from-control/in a different-way-of-being? Did they feature in feeling-being ‘Richard’s wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom? * • [Richard]: In other words, someone genuinely out-from-control is constantly (i.e., consistently) ‘feeling excellent’, come-what-may, by the very nature of what that term refers to. [...] Moreover, as ‘not being out-from-control’ also implies ‘not having a near-actual caring’ either [...]. Incidentally, this may be a good a time as any to publicly state that, based on re-evaluation derived from recent correspondences, as during the time I previously considered I may have been out-from-control, I was not consistently feeling excellent, come-what-may, I can now say I have never genuinely experienced being out-from-control... and, as such, nor can I say I have ever experienced a near-actual caring. Cheers, Claudiu RICHARD: G’day Claudiu, In the same way that excellence experiences (EE’s) were a notable feature of feeling-being ‘Richard’s virtual freedom experiencing circa March-September 1981, although of course not named as such back then, so too did intimacy experiences (IE’s) play a similarly significant role even though increasingly overshadowed by the insistent emergence of love – and, especially, Love Agapé – in the later months due to a marked lack of precedence and, thus, of any praxeological publications (nowadays made freely available on The Actual Freedom Trust web site) on the distinction betwixt the near-innocent intimacy of naïveté and the affectional intimacy of romance lore and legend. Just as the term ‘excellence experience’ came from feeling-being ‘Grace’ – who was exacting in evaluating ‘her’ differing ways of being a ‘self’ so as to not illude herself that ‘she’ was more progressive than was really the case – so too did the expression ‘different-way-of-being’. What gradually became more and more apparent was that a prevailing feature of ‘her’ differing ways of being was the degree of intimacy involved. The gradations of ‘her’ scale were, basically, good, very good, great, excellent, and magical perfect – whereby, in regards to intimacy, ‘good’ related to togetherness (which pertains to being and acting in concert with another); ‘very good’ related to closeness (where personal boundaries expand to include the other); ‘great’ related to sweetness (delighting in the pervasive proximity, or immanence, of the other); ‘excellent’ related to richness (a near-absence of agency; with the doer abeyant, and the beer ascendant, being the experiencing is inherently cornucopian); and ‘magical’ ‘perfect’ related to actuality magicality (neither beer nor doer extant; pristine purity abounds and immaculate perfection prevails) – all of which correlate to the range of naïveness from being sincere to becoming naïve and all the way through being naïveté itself to an actual innocence. The term ‘intimacy experience’ became part of the actualism lingo after a particularly instructive event in late spring, 2007, when at anchor upriver whilst exhorting feeling-being ‘Grace’ to no longer reserve that specific ‘way-of-being’ for those memorable occasions when ‘she’ was alone with me and to extend such intimacy to also include ‘her’ potential shipmates in order to dynamically enable the then-tentative plans for a floating convivium – which were on an indefinite hold at that time – to move ahead expeditiously (this was in the heady context of feeling-being ‘Pamela’ having already entered into an on-going PCE a scant five days beforehand due to ‘her’ specifically expressed concerns to me over the lack of intimacy between actualists). At some stage during this intensive interaction feeling-being ‘Vineeto’, who had been intently following every nuance, every twist and turn of the interplay, had what ‘she’ described as a ‘shift’ taking place in ‘her’ whereupon the very intimacy being thus exigently importuned came about for ‘her’ instead. To say ‘she’ was astounded with the degree of intimacy having ensued is to put it mildly as ‘her’ first descriptive words were about how ‘she’ would never have considered it possible to be as intimate as this particular way of being – an intimacy of such near-innocence as to have previously only ever been possible privately with ‘her’ sexual partner in very special moments – when in a social setting as one of a number of persons partaking of coffee and snacks in a sitting room situation. Intuitively seizing the vital opportunity such intimate experiencing offered ‘she’ took over from me and commenced interacting intensively in my stead – notably now a one-on-one feeling-being interchange – and within a relatively short while feeling-being ‘Grace’ was experiencing life in the same, or very similar, manner as feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ (hence that 4th of December 2009 report of mine about how these intimacy experiences are potentially contagious, so to speak, for other sincere actualists as the atmosphere generated affectively-psychically can propagate a flow-on effect). As for your query regarding how the intimacy experience (IE) differs from an excellence experience (EE): qualitively they are much the same, or similar, insofar as with both experiences there is a near-absence of agency – the beer rather than the doer is the operant – whereupon naïveté has come to the fore, such as to effect the marked diminishment of separation, and the main distinction is that the IE is more people-oriented, while the EE tends to be environmental in its scope. In other words, with an EE the ‘aesthetic experience’ feature, for instance, or its ‘nature experience’ aspect, for example, tends to be more prominent, whilst with an IE the ‘fellowship experience’ characteristic, for instance, or its ‘convivial experience’ quality, for example, comes to the fore. In either type of near-PCE – wherein the experiencing is of ‘my’ life living itself, with a surprising sumptuosity, rather than ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, quite frugally by comparison, and where this moment is living ‘me’ (instead of ‘me’ trying to live ‘in the moment’) – the diminishment of separation is so astonishing as to be as-if incomprehensible/ unbelievable yet it is the imminence of a fellow human’s immanence which, in and of itself, emphasises the distinction the most. For instance, the degree of intimacy experienced with minera, flora and fauna upon strolling through some botanical gardens with either near-PCE occurring – as in, with rocks, trees and birds, for example – is to the same gradation as when in a social setting such as a typical sitting room situation (as in, with ashtrays, flowers and humans, for instance) yet it is the ‘fellow human being’ element which exemplifies the already astounding diminishment of separation which ensues upon the blessed onset of this near-innocent intimacy of naïveté. And that latter point – the felicitous advent of naïve intimacy – is another way the IE differs from the EE inasmuch if a near-PCE is initiated via intensive interaction with a fellow human being/ with fellow human beings it takes on the properties of an intimacy experience (IE) whereas if the near-PCE is triggered via interacting intensively with the world at large (as in, an aesthetic experience, a nature experience, a contemplative experience, for example) it takes on the properties of an excellence experience (EE). The role they play in an out-from-control/ different-way-of-being virtual freedom (entitled ‘The Dynamic, Destinal Virtual Freedom’ on that web page to distinguish it from the still-in-control/ same-way-of-being virtual freedom entitled ‘The Pragmatic, Methodological Virtual Freedom’) is, essentially, in enabling the actualism process to take over. In effect, the actualism process is what ensues when one gets out from being under control, via having given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable. Then one is in for the ride of a lifetime! Regards, Richard. February 3 2016 Re: It is Fun to be Attentive to Feelings! CLAUDIU: Hello folks, As a result of recent events I have discovered that it is actually a lot of fun to be attentive to feelings! I now experientially get the importance - and the aim - and the effectiveness - of asking myself, each moment again, ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ The possibility of consistently feeling good - as in, actually applying the actualism method, for days, weeks, months at a time - is now apparent, and how it is entirely in ‘my’ hands, and how I can actually do it! It had never been quite so clear before recent events. Here is the combination of things that led up to this point: * 1. Alan’s Experiment. This experiment was an excellent demonstration of how much fun it is to have fun, and how it feels good to feel good. Although the ambiance created was not of an actualist variety – for one example, Richard’s email made clear we had a current-time lack of awareness as to how we were experiencing this moment of being alive - and as such did not achieve any of its stated goals, it still was a lot of fun. As such this was a great motivation to continue to have a lot of fun... and the best way of doing that is, of course, by actually applying what is on offer on the Actual Freedom Trust website, as being what work in terms of facilitating the actualism method (consistently enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive). * 2. Vineeto’s Personal Email to Alan. This email (see #21797, first footnote) got me to recognize that I had been blaming other people, via my knowledge of vibes and currents, for how I felt. Shortly after I read her email (the one I included in my post to Alan), I stopped doing that. Life is much easier now, haha. Also, reading her email got me to take a closer look at what Alan was experiencing, and to no longer ignore the warning signs that had been cropping up, particularly the ones regarding a near-actual caring. I looked up everything I could on the Actual Freedom Trust website about a near-actual caring and I found the following: • [Vineeto]: Being harmless is not only being free of the intent to cause harm but also to be aware of the consequences of one’s actions in regard to other people. (Directroute, No. 5, 26 January 2010). I had read this before but it sunk in this time. Specifically, it was not harmless for me to continue the experiment as-is without challenging Alan. And, generally, it was not harmless for me to not take into consideration how my actions affect others, even if my intent is harmless. * 3. Richard’s Public Email to me. First, Richard’s email made it clear Alan was not out-from-control and never had been. As I wrote, this dispelled the ‘image’ I had of ‘Alan’ and allowed me to take a closer look at what we were doing. In retrospect, of course Alan’s experiment was unsustainable for a group of actualists, given the lack of sincerity and harmlessness involved in sustaining it. (Note: It may be beneficial to point out that I do consider the experiment was worthwhile, and have no bad feelings or regrets about it or anything of the sort... quite the contrary!) But, more than that, it delivered home a really basic point which is so obvious that I wonder if I’m not the only one that has missed it entirely. To wit: • [Claudiu; 03:30]: ‘I just ... I had ... the que ... what ... how are you feeling? Are you feeling good, great, okay, excellent?’ • [Alan; 03:38]: ‘That’s a good question. Umm ...’. • [Claudiu; 03:39]: ‘So we know where we are starting from’. • [Alan; 03:45]: [15 seconds later] ‘Probably excellent, yeah’. • [Richard]: It is more than a trifle odd for someone who self-describes, publicly, on the same day as this recording (i.e., 22 Jan 2016 in Message № 21740) as being ‘out from control’ as per actualism lingo [...] to not have a current-time awareness of how they are experiencing this moment of being alive, each moment again [...]. In case you missed it, here is what is now blindingly obvious: • To have a current-time awareness of how I am experiencing this moment of being alive means being able to instantly answer the question, if anybody asks or if I ask myself, of ‘How am I feeling?’ ... or, in full, ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ Or to put it in other way... if I ask myself, ‘how am I feeling?’, and I don’t immediately know the answer, but have to do some digging... that means I am lacking that current-time awareness! I could immediately go ‘oh something bad’ or ‘oh something is in the background’, but what about being specific - precisely the feeling I am feeling - and whether I am feeling ok or good? For example, as I wrote that, I recognized I am feeling a feeling, but couldn’t say right-off what it is. Ok, now I am investigating... it has a quality of me wanting to get something out... almost like resentment but not quite... heavy feeling tones in the center ... ahh yes, I know this well now - ‘apprehension’! As in, ‘anxiety or fear that something bad or unpleasant will happen.’ I did not know, before I asked and investigated, that the feeling I am feeling was apprehension. (I had a similar paragraph when I first wrote this, which was a bit longer, but re-wrote this one now and I noticed it was much shorter - I am getting better at spotting apprehension). Oh and before I go on, am I feeling ok, good? Where on the scale? Hmm... I would say, more than ok, but less than good. I’ll call it ‘ok’ to be simple about it, since it is not good, and not bad. Ahh just a tricky way for me to avoid having to admit I am feeling ok, haha. So when did this feeling start? Tracing back... ah it was when I started writing this email. Hmm... ah I am worried that I won’t be able to live up to what I am writing! That I will fail yet again (the feeling talking)... Ahh yes, this is nothing but another trick ‘I’ am trying to pull, to not be attentive to ‘my’ feelings (aka to ‘me’). Looking back I recognize it was fun to be attentive, and see no reason it won’t continue to be. It’s all a matter of intent at this point, for how often I ask myself, how am I experiencing this moment of being alive? But I find I’m still not feeling good... still ok... ah now I recognize a tiredness. I do feel mentally tired. But that’s no reason to feel bad. Ah there we go! Feeling much better now! Now I am back to feeling good. Excellent! The other thing Richard’s email made obvious, is that it is actually a very simple matter, to figure out how ‘I’ am feeling, and with proper record keeping (as in a recording, then transcribed), it’s really quite easy to pinpoint how someone was feeling and when. Something about the matter-of-factness of it dispelled a long-held belief... And the belief - left-over from my meditative days - was that being attentive to my feelings was inherently painful! That feelings were somehow bad, and being attentive to them only made it worse, so the best approach was to try to ignore them and feel good despite not looking at anything. Now I see how silly this is, as being attentive to my feelings, and being very precise, searching until I find the proper label, and then just being able to apply that label, makes it so much easier to feel good! The process itself is fun! Very quickly I discovered - quite obvious in retrospect - that there is a difference between experiencing a feeling, and knowing what that feeling is. Since then, I’ve been cataloguing my feelings quite thoroughly. Previously I would stop at ‘i’m feeling uneasy’, and just have a sort of general sense of what a ‘bad’ feeling was, and wouldn’t know what particular feeling it was. I’d think oh, probably resentment of some sort, or some fear. I am pleased to say that since then I have learned to distinguish between the following feelings and shades of feelings: • annoyance, irritation, being pissed, anger, impatient, restless, rushed, anxiety, resentment, nervousness, apprehension (that was a fun one to find a label to), trepidation, feeling loath, dejected. It would appear I am becoming quite the connoisseur of the ‘bad’ feelings ... and it’s about time, given they have featured very prominently in my life! Certainly more fun than leaving them unexamined. I have in mind to make a ‘Claudiu’s Gourmet Menu of Feelings’ post, laying them all out and what the differences are between my experiencing of them. It’s a wonderful time to be alive! Cheers, Claudiu RICHARD: Claudiu, as I was about to post this email I noticed that your most recent email (Message № 21920) renders it redundant. However, as I had already composed it I am posting it, anyway, as a verification your latest understanding regarding attentiveness is correct. * G’day Claudiu, Whilst reading your above email online it occurred to me to post a brief note, there and then, and simply reiterate how ‘being attentive to my feelings’ only takes place, of course, on those occasions when/ where an otherwise ongoing enjoyment and appreciation diminishes. Plus, how the very act of thus ‘being attentive to my feelings’ is initiated by that diminishment of enjoyment and appreciation. In other words, being (cognitively) attentive to one’s (affective) feelings – instigated by the diminution in the quality of affectively enjoying and appreciating being alive/ being here, each moment again, come-what-may – happens less and less once one gets the knack of thus affectively monitoring one’s moment-to-moment (affective) mood and/or temperament via the increasingly subtle variations in one’s (affective) enjoyment and appreciation. Essentially, ‘feeling good’ as a bottom-line each moment again for the remainder of one’s life means rarely, if ever, needing to (cognitively) be ‘attentive to my feelings’ due to that habituation of the actualism method (such as to result in a still-in-control/ same-way-of-being virtual freedom). * Howsoever, upon re-reading your email with the notion of just a brief note in mind, the very detail and thus expansive length of it persuaded me to expand somewhat upon the subject myself and especially so in view of your observations regarding a particular hangover from your earlier buddhistic practice. Viz.: • [Claudiu]: ‘Something about the matter-of-factness of it [i.e., Richard’s email] dispelled a long-held belief... And the belief – left-over from my meditative days – was that being attentive to my feelings was inherently painful! That feelings were somehow bad, and being attentive to them only made it worse, so the best approach was to try to ignore them and feel good despite not looking at anything ....’. [endquote]. As you referred to ‘being attentive to my feelings’ half-a-dozen times, all told, it further occurred to me to anecdotally illustrate what is conveyed by the [quote] ‘current-time awareness’ [endquote] term, in that email of mine, so as to spell out in some detail how that awareness comes about such that it soon becomes possible, at any given moment, to ‘instantly answer the question’ you articulated as follows. Viz.: • [Claudiu]: ‘To have a current-time awareness of how I am experiencing this moment of being alive means being able to instantly answer the question, if anybody asks or if I ask myself, of ‘How am I feeling?’ ... or, in full, ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ Or to put it in other way... if I ask myself, ‘how am I feeling?’, and I don’t immediately know the answer, but have to do some digging... that means I am lacking that current-time awareness!’ [endquote]. As what is conveyed by that term is already provided in the ‘This Moment of Being Alive’ article – and specifically referred to elsewhere via words such as ‘diminishment’ or ‘diminution’ and ‘flashing red light’ or ‘a warning buzzer’ on more than fifty occasions on my portion of the website – then this expanded post is more about drawing attention to it, even to the extent of belabouring the point, than anything else. So, first the anecdote. Early on in my six-month visit to India in 2010 the person anonymised as Respondent № 04 on The Actual Freedom Trust mailing list – whose first post is date-stamped 09 Jan 1999 on my portion of the web site – arranged to meet with me. Arriving after an early-hour inter-city train trip he spent around four or five hours with me and about an hour or so into the conversation he happened to mention, en passant, how he was not able to put the actualism method into practice at work as he could not be attentive to how he was experiencing this moment of being alive, each moment again, during his workaday hours as the job-description required that a large percentage of his time be spent at a computer station being attentive to the myriad manoeuvres on the computer screen virtually every moment of the day. Although somewhat taken aback by the implications and ramifications of such obvious ignorement/ ignoration of my specific responses and explanations, online, it was a simple matter to point out how the moment-to-moment monitoring of the affections is, of course, an affective monitoring – along with reminding him how the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago was a family man working 12-14 hours a day for 6-7 days a week in order to feed, clothe and house everyone (mortgage commitments, hire-purchase payments, and etcetera) – and to thereafter verbalise what is freely available for perusal and edification on The Actual Freedom Trust web site. The following excerpt – from an online exchange five years previously – should demonstrate why that en passant comment of his has remained with me to the present day. Viz.: • [Respondent № 04]: [Okay, then why is it important to ascertain causation and the succession?] Does it help to see the silliness? • [Richard]: What is being pointed out, in the above exchange, is seeing the silliness of having such an event – whatever that event may be – take away one’s enjoyment and appreciation of being alive at this particular moment (the only moment one is ever alive) by having such an incident as that trigger off the feeling. The name of the game is to habituate an affective imitation of the actual each moment/ each place again – to consistently feel as happy and harmless (free of both malice and sorrow and, thus, their antidotal pacifiers love and compassion) as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’ – so as to enable the already always existing peace-on-earth to be apparent sooner rather than later ... therefore *whenever/ wherever there is the slightest diminution of that felicity/ innocuity it speaks for itself* that some event, which has been constantly granted the power such as to customarily render that peace and harmony short-lived, has been permitted, via a lifetime of continuous/ routine ignoration, to wreak its havoc once again. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 4a, 31 July 2005). The above words ‘it speaks for itself’ quite obviously refer to how it is via (affectively) feeling the ‘felicity/ innocuity’ to be diminishing that something is amiss becomes noticeable – in regards to the quality of one’s enjoyment and appreciation – and not by being (cognitively) attentive, each moment again, to each and every aspect of such affective experiencing. Put succinctly: as moment-to-moment monitoring of (affective) mood is, of course, an affective monitoring there is no reason why the oh-so-common requirement to be (cognitively) attentive, to whatever a job-description requires, would mean the actualism method cannot be practiced during workaday hours. The same moment-to-moment affective monitoring of mood applies, of course, in any situation (reading, writing, chatting, listening to or watching media, driving, cycling, shopping, cooking, cleaning, and so on and so forth). Variations on the theme highlighted above appear in more than fifty places on my portion of the website – all of which convey the same or similar observation regarding moment-to-moment affective monitoring of how one is experiencing this moment of being alive – and the following is one of 40 hits which the search-string <flashing red light> returned. Viz.: • [Respondent № 93]: Richard, would you say that it takes quite a bit of effort and determination to follow through in asking the question to it’s conclusion? • [Richard]: I do say it takes some doing to start off with[1] yet, with application and diligence and patience and perseverance, one soon gets the knack of it and more and more time is spent enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive – the sheer delight of being as happy and harmless as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’ – and, as *the slightest diminishment of such felicity and innocuity is a warning signal (a flashing red light as it were)* that one has inadvertently wandered off the way, it is remarkably simple in practice[2] ... and thus easy. Furthermore, it is fun to find out what makes one ‘tick’. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 93, 21 June 2005). Again, the above highlighted words expressly refer to how it is via (affectively) feeling that ‘felicity and innocuity’ to be diminishing – and not by being (cognitively) attentive, each moment again, to each and every aspect of such felicitous and innocuous experiencing – that it becomes noticeable how one has inadvertently wandered off the way. Furthermore, the footnotes – those two after the words ‘to start off with’ and ‘simple in practice’, above, plus one supplementary to the first – expand upon both the non-cognitive nature of this ongoing affective awareness (i.e., ‘a non-verbal attitude’ and ‘a wordless approach’) and the simplicity/ easiness (a.k.a. effortlessness) of this non-cognitive monitoring whereby, via affectively feeling any diminution of one’s ongoing affective enjoyment and appreciation, cognitive attention is automatically engendered. Viz.: [1]to start off with: • [Richard]: ‘It takes some doing to start off with, but as success after success starts to multiply exponentially, it becomes automatic to have this question running[†] as an on-going thing (as a non-verbal attitude towards life; a wordless approach each moment again) because it delivers the goods right here and now ... not off into some indeterminate future’. Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive). [†]automatic to have this question running: • [Richard]: ‘It is a question, not a phrase to be memorised and repeated slogan-like (or as if chanting a mantra for instance), and it soon becomes a non-verbal attitude to life; a wordless approach each moment again whereupon one cannot be anything else but [affectively] aware of one’s every instinctual impulse/ affective feeling, and thus self-centred thought, as it is happening’. [square-bracketed insertion added for emphasis]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 68, 26 April 2004). [2]simple in practice: • [Richard]: ‘It is really very, very simple (which is possibly why it has never been discovered before this): one felt good previously; one is not feeling good now; something happened to one to end that felicitous/ innocuous feeling; one finds out what happened; one sees how silly that is (no matter what it was); one is once more feeling good’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 71, 9 July 2004b). I added the word ‘affectively’ in squared brackets, in the middle footnote, so as to emphasise how the words ‘non-verbal attitude’, and ‘wordless approach’, are indicative of that awareness of those instinctual impulses/ affective feelings – and thus self-centred thought – being an affective awareness. * As to how simple, easy and thus effortless this way of living/ this course of action is, when sincerely put into practice, it may be handy to also anecdotally reference how the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago took the first step, on what has become known as the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition, as the new year dawned in 1981 and as the grandmother of ‘his’ four children was driving them all down the driveway of ‘his’ ex-farmhouse after having heroically elected to have all of her grandchildren stay with her in the city for a three week holiday (which had left ‘him’ and ‘his’ wife on their own together for the first time since the birth of the first child around fourteen years previously) so as to give her daughter and son-in-law a break from parentage and, hopefully in her mind, to be of assistance in the resurrection of their failing marriage. It was an opportunity ‘he’ grasped with both hands to not only regain the honeymoon intimacy, of 1966, as ‘his’ wife was spontaneously proposing while they waved them goodbye as they drove away down the driveway – specifically, a twenty-hour mutual peak experience, which both of them remembered well, wherein naïveté featured prominently – but also by so doing to thereby enable the actual intimacy each had experienced, some months prior, during their respective perfection experiences which had indubitably evidenced to both of them that peace-on-earth was already always here (a much-discussed issue over those preceding months). What they both set about doing thereafter, consciously and with knowledge aforethought, was to deliberately imitate the actual each moment again – as magically manifested in their respective perfection experiences – simply because the imitative course of action had been demonstrably successful in the area of the fine arts (as per my oft-mentioned ‘enabling the painting to paint itself’ theme). When their children were duly returned by an exhausted grandmother, after their three-week exposure to the big-city lifestyle had run its course, ‘he’ was particularly determined not to lose what ‘he’ dubbed the ‘honeymoon atmosphere’ by reverting to type – although ‘his’ wife fared badly in this respect (as per Message № 12901 for instance) – and four weeks later as the official school year was due to commence ‘he’ was similarly set on not losing, as the minimal or bottom line of moment-to-moment experiencing, what ‘he’ dubbed the ‘holiday atmosphere’ (engendered via interacting with ‘his’ children as if a child again, albeit with adult sensibilities, due to an irrepressible re-emergence of ‘his’ hidden-away-during-puberty childhood naïveté). For what ‘he’ had twigged to, in the beginning stages of their joint venture (and particularly exemplified by ‘his’ wife’s predilection for venting over voicing), was how it was far, far easier and simpler to stay in a good mood come-what-may – preferably a happy mood of course – than claw ‘his’ way back up to feeling good, again and again, after having habitually reverted to type. Hence being (affectively) aware, each moment again, of more and more subtle variations in the quality of one’s moment-to-moment enjoyment and appreciation of being alive/ of being here so as to earlier and earlier pre-empt any potential reversion to type. Also, repeated experience had shown ‘him’ that minor dips in that quality presaged each major diminution – indeed miniscule blips soon became evident even earlier than those minor dips as ‘his’ ability to (affectively) detect subtle variations in the affective tone of mood and temperament became evermore fine-tuned – and the earlier such habituated silliness could be (affectively) discerned the sooner ‘he’ could thus nip these instinctual potentialities in the bud. And all this while ‘he’ worked 12-14 hours a day for 6-7 days a week, as already mentioned, and yet all this while such work increasingly resembled the play it is in actuality. * What follows is one of the 46 hits for the <diminishment> search-term (as compared to the further above <diminution> search-term which returned 11 hits). Viz.: • [Richard]: All it takes is the habitual attentiveness engendered by being aware of how this moment of being alive is experienced – and that awareness is the very enjoyment and appreciation of being alive at this moment (the only moment of ever being alive) – inasmuch *any diminishment of the quality of that experiencing is patently obvious (simply by virtue of a lessening of that enjoyment and appreciation)*. • [Respondent № 74]: Would you say such alertness is effortless? • [Richard]: No, the alertness of being on guard implies effort ... whereas enjoyment and appreciation is a breeze. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 74e, 29 December 2005). Once again, the above highlighted words explicitly refer to how it is via being (affectively) aware of the quality of one’s enjoyment and appreciation diminishing that it becomes ‘patently obvious’ – simply by virtue of this lessening in quality – such as to bring about being (cognitively) attentive to such attenuation of one’s enjoyment and appreciation. The search-string <warning signal> returned 36 hits and a search for <warning buzzer> resulted in the following exchange. Viz.: • [Respondent № 27]: Richard, could you tell me in your own words just exactly what you mean by not ‘expressing emotion’? • [Richard]: Sure ... an emotion arises because of a situation or circumstance (which can include merely thinking about something whilst on one’s own) and it wants to express, communicate or convey itself either verbally (which may be merely tone of voice), physically (which may be merely facial expression or bodily stance) or as a ‘vibe’ – to use a ‘60’s term – which can be picked-up psychically (and is arguably the most pernicious of all expression). [...]. [Respondent № 27]: Also specifically which emotions are advantageous to ‘not express’? • [Richard]: All and any emotion ... what I would oft-times say to people twenty one years ago, when I first put this into practice, was that *emotions are life’s way of reminding oneself that one has gone astray* (that one has wandered off the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition). An emotion is like a warning buzzer ... or a flashing red light. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 27a, 24 January 2002). This particular quote is included because it depicts the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago uncritically declaring how it was via the emotions (i.e., per favour the affections generally) – and not cognition (i.e., not per favour being cognitively attentive) – that it became noticeable ‘he’ had gone astray. * As an aside, it is worth mentioning that ‘feeling good’ each moment again over extended periods is thus not an emotion per se but, rather, an affective mood – as in, ‘I’m in a good mood today’ (and, conversely, ‘I’m in a bad mood today’) – just as ‘feeling happy’ moment-to-moment, for the remainder of one’s life, is also an affective mood (e.g., ‘I’m in a happy mood today’) as it would be simply impossible to sustain an emotional happiness day-after-day week-after-week, let alone being passionately happy, due to such being both emotionally draining and, usually, a conditional happiness anyway. It is correspondingly worth noting that mood is to temperament as weather is to climate inasmuch a person who is predominantly in a good mood is generally described as having an agreeable temperament (a.k.a. as being of a generally cheerful disposition) – as contrasted to those usually depicted as bad-tempered by nature (a.k.a. as being a generally unpleasant character) – such that a prolonged ‘feeling good’ mood becomes a matter of temperament and disposition and, thereby, ultimately of character. * All of which brings me to the ‘This Moment of Being Alive’ article. Viz.: • [9th Paragraph]: The wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition is marked by enjoyment and appreciation – the sheer delight of being as happy and harmless as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’ – and *the slightest diminishment of such felicity/ innocuity is a warning signal (a flashing red light as it were) that one has inadvertently wandered off the way*. One is thus soon back on track ... and all because of everyday events. [emphasis added]. Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive). This paragraph has been sitting there in plain view for 18+ years, now, as well as having been copy-pasted into many, many emails through my detailing of how the actualism method works in practice to all those different persons asking me to explain the method to them via email forums (in lieu of reading it for themselves on the website). Some time after returning from my six-month visit to India I tweaked the first half-a-dozen or so paragraphs of the ‘This Moment of Being Alive’ article in an endeavour to pre-empt ever more peoples becoming affers – as was exemplified at the time by the title [quote] ‘a nice way of framing haietmoba’ [endquote] to Message № 11700 which contained a link to web page where a pre-eminent pretermitter had hijacked that string of letters (by which means quite a few persons refer to the actualism method) via insisting it points to a watered-down and westernised ‘nibbāna’ (i.e., phenomenologically-derived) – and added-in the following paragraphs. Viz.: • [4th Paragraph]: ‘... enjoyment and appreciation is facilitated by feeling as happy and as harmless as is humanly possible. And this (affective) felicity/ innocuity is potently enabled via minimisation of both the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’ feelings. An *affective awareness* is the key to maximising felicity and innocuity over all those alternate feelings inasmuch the slightest diminishment of enjoyment and appreciation *automatically activates attentiveness*. [emphases added]. Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive). This paragraph is specifically worded to make it clear how it is an affective awareness (i.e., that moment-to-moment affective monitoring of mood already referred to much further above) which both maximises felicity/ innocuity and automatically activates conscious attention (as in, engendering cognitive attentiveness) whenever something is amiss in regards to enjoyment and appreciation. • [12th Paragraph]: It is important to comprehend [...] how that (affective) enjoyment and appreciation *is* the very actualist awareness in action (as distinct from the buddhistic mindfulness, for instance, which requires cognitive engagement). What this means in effect is that, because one cannot help but be aware, each moment again, of even the slightest diminution of that experiential awareness (of that very enjoyment and appreciation of *feeling* as felicitous/ innocuous as is humanly possible) via *feeling* it diminish, cognitive attentiveness can be freely applied to whatever one is engaged in doing, in one’s moment-to-moment daily life, be it earning a living, reading/ watching various media, studying for examinations, and so on, and so forth. Put simply: for a feeling being, actualism’s awareness (in regards to how one is experiencing this moment of being alive) is an affective awareness. [emphases in original]. Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive). The first sentence of this 12th paragraph includes, parenthetically, a specific reference to buddhistic practice because more than a few peoples – and not only those of a buddhistic inclination but those practising a secularised version thereof as well – perversely insist on making out that the actualism method entails the same or similar practice as that (misnamed) ‘mindfulness’ regimen, which has gained traction in large swathes of many and various societies and cultures around the world, despite my words unambiguously stating on several occasions how buddhistic ‘mindfulness’ is [quote] ‘another ball-game entirely’ [endquote]. Viz.: • [Richard]: (...) the words ‘how am I experiencing this moment of being alive’ simply refer to the make-up of the attentiveness being applied ... as distinct from, say, *the buddhistic ‘mindfulness’ (which is another ball-game entirely)*. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005). And I say ‘perversely insist’ deliberatively because it is simply impossible for those [quote] ‘another ball-game entirely’ [endquote] words to be misread/ misheard, mistaken, misapprehended, misunderstood, misconstrued, miscomprehended, misinterpreted, misjudged – as in, get the wrong idea about and/or get an incorrect impression of, that is – or, to use a colloquialism, to get the wrong end of the stick regarding what those words mean. * ‘Tis amazing the number of peoples who deceive themselves into believing they know better than me what my reports/ descriptions/ explanations refer to – via illuding themselves their book-learnt understanding over x-number of years trumps my experiential understanding over the last 35+ years – as if the words issuing forth from this keyboard come from somebody too dumb to know just what his moment-to-moment experiencing actually is (despite their tacit acknowledgement thereby of him having nevertheless been somehow smart enough to accomplish what they are yet to do). Were it not for the predictably dire consequences – the relentless continuance of all the misery and mayhem which epitomises the human condition – such self-serving antics would be highly risible. * The second sentence of this 12th paragraph has the word *feeling* made bold twice so as to emphasise how the ongoing awareness of all affective feelings, moods and states of being is, of course, affective in nature and thus leaving cognitive awareness free to be applied to whatever one is engaged in doing, in one’s moment-to-moment daily life, be it earning a living, reading/ watching various media, studying for examinations, and so on, and so forth. And the follow-up sentence to this 12th paragraph simply summarises the above observation – how the awareness (in regards to how one is experiencing this moment of being alive) is an affective awareness – so that no-one can ever again say to me, even in passing, that they cannot practise the actualism method because they are fully occupied with being attentive to the myriad manoeuvres on a computer screen virtually every moment of the day! Regards, Richard. August 15 2016 Re: Near Actual Caring CLAUDIU: Hi Richard, Another query, related to my previous one on how to go out-from-control. You wrote: • [Srinath]: Is it possible for someone who is in an EE and not out-from-control to experience near actual caring during the duration of the EE? • [Richard]: No ... being out-from-control (sans the self-centred/ self-centric controller, a.k.a. doer, and thus in full allowance of the benignity and benevolence inherent to pure intent to be dynamically operative) is the critical criterion you have evidentially been looking for throughout this email exchange. (Richard, List D, No. Srinath2, 13 August 2016). This answer leaves me uncertain as to what an excellence experience is as compared to an out-from-control virtual freedom. (Message 23301) RICHARD: G’day Claudiu, Yes, although the words [quote] “being... in full allowance of the benignity and benevolence inherent to pure intent to be dynamically operative” [endquote] are what distinguishes the ongoing excellence experience (EE) known as an out-from-control virtual freedom, from an EE itself, the way it is worded – and certainly when read as a standalone Q&A isolated from all the explanations to that effect which precede it – the words “...and thus...” do indeed make for uncertainty. Thank you for pointing this out ... I will amend the paragraph accordingly. But first, just to make it all clear upfront, an excellence experience (EE) – which, just like an intimacy experience (IE), is so close to a pure consciousness experience (PCE) as to be known as a near-PCE – can happen regardless of one’s modus vivendi. In other words, just as it is possible for someone whose manner of living/ way of life is yet to have feeling good (i.e., a general feeling of well-being) established as a bottom-line of on-going experiencing, come-what-may, to have either an EE or IE (wherein the doer is abeyant and the beer ascendant), be they spontaneous or induced, from time-to-time – just as they can have a PCE itself (where identity in toto/the entire affective faculty is abeyant) – so too can a person yet to be able to describe their modus vivendi as either “feeling as happy and harmless (as free of sorrow and malice) as is humanly possible” or “feeling excellent/ perfect for 99% of the time” such as to be designated “a pragmatic, methodological virtual freedom” (a.k.a. “a still-in-control/ same-way-of-being virtual freedom”). Indeed, anyone at all can have an IE or an EE – or even a PCE – at any time in their life (albeit totally ignorant of any such nomenclature and what they actually signify). What sets the ongoing near-PCE known as “a dynamic, destinal virtual freedom” apart from ever other way of life/ manner of living is, as is expressed in that paragraph, by being in full allowance of the benignity and benevolence inherent to pure intent being dynamically operative – whereby the actualism method segues into the actualism process – such as to be pulling one evermore unto one’s destiny. And here is why the actualism process is imperative: • [Richard]: “(...) the out-from-control/ different-way-of-being term, in actualism lingo, specifically refers to the actualism process superseding the actualism method – meaning the controlling doer is abeyant (hence: ‘out-from-control’) and a naïve beer is ascendant (hence: ‘different-way-of-being’) – whereby the benignity and benevolence of pure intent increasingly renders the otherwise essential societal moeurs (a.k.a. ‘mores’) redundant, whilst simultaneously precluding anomie [a.k.a. ‘lawlessness’] ...”. (Richard, List D, Andrew, 28 February 2016). CLAUDIU: Elsewhere you’ve written that an out-from-control virtual freedom is known as an ongoing EE: • [Richard]: “(...) The virtual freedom being referred to in ‘Richard’s Journal’ is, of course, the full-blown experiencing of it: an out-from-being-under-control and, thus, different way of being nowadays known as an ongoing excellence experience”. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, PCE). You’ve also written (in an email to me) how an excellence experience is one with a near-absence of agency – with the doer abeyant and the beer ascendant (snipped for brevity): • [Richard]: “Just as the term ‘excellence experience’ came from feeling-being ‘Grace’ [...] so too did the expression ‘different-way-of-being’. What gradually became more and more apparent was that a prevailing feature of ‘her’ differing ways of being was the degree of intimacy involved. The gradations of ‘her’ scale were, basically, good, very good, great, excellent, and perfect – whereby, in regards to intimacy, ‘good’ related to [...] ‘very good’ related to [...] ‘great’ related to [...] ‘excellent’ related to richness (*a near-absence of agency; with the doer abeyant, and the beer ascendant, being the experiencing is inherently cornucopian* [i.e. an EE(?)]); and ‘perfect’ related to magicality (neither beer nor doer extant; pristine purity abounds and immaculate perfection prevails [i.e. a PCE]). [...] As for your query regarding how the intimacy experience (IE) differs from an excellence experience (EE): qualitively they are much the same, or similar, insofar as *with both experiences there is a near-absence of agency – the beer rather than the doer is the operant* [...]”. [emphasis and square-brackets added]. (Richard, Selected Correspondence, Excellence). Further, in your most recent email here you use these same descriptors to describe an out-from-control virtual freedom: • [Richard]: “To explain further: when out-from-control – out from being under control of the ‘controller’; that self-centred/ self-centric ‘doer’ (i.e., the ‘doer’ of deeds; the ‘actor’ of acts; the ‘speaker’ of words; the ‘thinker’ of thoughts; the ‘feeler’ of feelings) – the primary impetus of agency is the benevolence and benignity of pure intent being dynamically operative via the full concurrence of the ‘beer’ of those deeds, acts, words, thoughts, feelings (i.e., being the experiencing of same, as a state-of-being, as opposed to doing them). And the words “primary impetus of agency” (‘impetus’ as in, “being dynamically operative”, that is) are used advisedly as, *with the ‘doer’ abeyant and the ‘beer’ ascendant*, the modus operandi of this mutual agency is indeterminable due to an incapacity to distinguish between the one and the other”. [emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, No. 45a, 13 August 2016 ). As the critical criterion of whether a feeling-being can experience near-actual caring is “being out-from-control”, being out-from-control is described as a state “with the ‘doer’ abeyant and the ‘beer’ ascendant” and also as “an ongoing excellence experience”, and an excellence experience is described as there being “a near-absence of agency – the beer rather than the doer is the operant” (and earlier ‘excellent’ on ‘Grace’s scale being described as relating to “a near-absence of agency; with the doer abeyant, and the beer ascendant"), would it not therefore be the case that a feeling-being having an excellence experience *is* automatically experiencing near-actual caring? RICHARD: Again, although the above words [quote] “...the primary impetus of agency is the benevolence and benignity of pure intent being dynamically operative *via the full concurrence of the ‘beer’*...” [emphasis added] do indicate what distinguishes the ongoing EE known as an out-from-control virtual freedom, from an EE itself, the manner in which that Q&A is worded – and certainly when read as a standalone paragraph isolated from all the explanations to that effect which precede it – it does indeed make for uncertainty. CLAUDIU: If not – and this would be the most interesting part – then what is the vital distinction between an EE and an out-from-control virtual freedom such that a near-actual caring features in the latter but not the former? RICHARD: The vital distinction is the overarching benignity and benevolence inherent to infinitude – which has nothing to do with any affective felicity and innocuity – being dynamically operative due to the cheerful and thus willing concurrence of the beer. For instance (from 2005): • [Richard]: “The actualism method is not about undermining the passions ... on the contrary, it is about directing all of that affective energy into being the felicitous/ innocuous feelings (that is, ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being, which is ‘being’ itself) in order to effect a deliberate imitation of the actual, as evidenced in a PCE, so as to feel as happy and as harmless (as free of malice and sorrow) as is humanly possible whilst remaining a ‘self’. Such imitative felicity/ innocuity, in conjunction with sensuosity, readily evokes amazement, marvel, and delight – a state of wide-eyed wonder best expressed by the word naiveté (the nearest a ‘self’ can come to innocence whilst being a ‘self’) – and which allows the overarching benignity and benevolence inherent to the infinitude, which this infinite and eternal and perpetual universe actually is, to operate more and more freely. This intrinsic benignity and benevolence, which has nothing to do with the imitative affective happiness and harmlessness, will do the rest. All that was required *was ‘my’ cheerful, and thus willing, concurrence*. [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 60f, 29 September 2005). CLAUDIU: If yes, then was it simply [No. 45’s] phrasing of someone “who is in an EE and not out-from-control” that led to the “No ...” reply? (i.e. in that case it is not the case that someone in an EE is “not out-from-control” as to be in an EE is to be out-from-control, albeit fleetingly?) RICHARD: Given that it was a case of not being able to answer the question as-asked – to be having an EE (or an IE) is indeed to be out-from-control – then the word “No...” negates the entire query. A minimally-tweaked version would look something like this: • [Question]: “Is it possible for someone who is in an EE and not out-from-control to experience near actual caring during the duration of the EE?” • [Answer]: “No ... being out-from-control (sans the self-centred/ self-centric controller, a.k.a. doer) – plus being in full allowance of the benignity and benevolence inherent to pure intent to be dynamically operative – is the critical criterion you have evidentially been looking for throughout this email exchange”. It is more informative, though, to first set the query straight: • [Respondent]: “Is it possible for someone who is in an EE and not out-from-control to experience near actual caring during the duration of the EE?” • [Richard]: “As to be having an EE (or an IE) is to be out-from-control then the critical criterion, which you have evidentially been looking for throughout this email exchange, is the ascendant beer being in full allowance of the benignity and benevolence inherent to pure intent being dynamically operative (whereby the actualism method segues into the actualism process) and pulling one evermore unto one’s destiny”. Again, I appreciate your feedback. CLAUDIU: What a great time to be alive! RICHARD: Ahh ... ’tis good to know that. Regards, Richard. 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